Letters from south dakota.. with Kalsy and Clara

Jan 2012 Update

2012-01-09T13:18:00.001-08:00

Holy wow its been a while since I last wrote. I have been living on my own for almost 8 months now and it has gotten so much easier. I started my bachelor degree this past October so that is good. I got the OK to get my license back so I am working on doing that and I have a job interview on Wednesday. Things are looking up. Clara is soooo smart, she is fully potty trained, she can write about 5 different words. She is the light of my life. We had an amazing Christmas and a great new years... not sure what else is new in our lives besides those things... Oh, my cousin is expecting a baby, i'm soooo excited about that. She is gonna have a beautiful little boy (first baby boy in like 4 generations). So yeah guess i'll write more when new things happen. I hope you all have a wonderful day!!

Summer Update!!!

2011-06-15T13:36:00.000-07:00

Well, Clara and I finally moved out on our own. We have been living in this amazing two bedroom apartment for almost a month now. Clara has her own room and also has a new twin size bed along with a dresser and a toy cubby thing. I graduated from college with a 3.0GPA (sadly i was hoping it would be higher). I would like for you all to imagine that life is amazing for me right now even though it's not because then you will not have to worry about me. I suppose i will tell the truth though, although i love living on my own i am struggling. No one will help me with my daughter i am doing it 100% of the time on my own. She doesnt listen, she makes a mess, i'v been having seizure after seizure after seizure this week. I do know it is due to stress, problem is, its not like stress from my family where i could move out. This stress will never go away because i will forever be a parent. So there i said it. Bye for now, will write more when i'm in a better mood.

Update for 2011

2011-02-15T23:22:00.000-08:00

Well its been about 3 months since my last update. Clara is now 3 years old!!! It seems very hard to believe. We turned our walk in closet into her very own room which she absolutely adores because its pink. She has the flu right now so things are kind of hectic at our home. I am in my final week of this block of classes and after my next block i will officially be a college graduate because i will have my associates degree in Psychology. My boyfriend Shane and i are doing very good. We have been dating for almost 7 months now. Yesterday was Valentines day. Shane made me a delicious steak dinner and also got me a dozen long stem red roses, some really awesome perfume, a card and some chocolates (GO SHANE!!). Next week is my 21st birthday and although I do plan on going out and having a few drinks I am NOT planning on getting shitfaced drunk. So sorry to spoil your guy's fun, but i am not taking a million shots. Well that is all for now, I will update more when i have more to say.

Update

2010-10-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty uneventful day. Clara and I got pumpkins yesterday and are planning on carving them a week before Halloween. Which by the way, Clara is going to be a fairy princess. My school called today and told me that they put my Bachelor degree classes online for me to look at along with my schedule for the classes. After i am done with my associates in April, i am planning on take two-three months off which then puts my graduate date for my bachelors for May of 2013. Back on the topic of Clara. I have been working with her every day on shapes, colors, numbers and letters. She can do her alphabet but i am working on having her recognize them. I have flashcards for her and everything. I have signed up for NetFlix and have been watching movies every single night for the past few days. I am now watching a movie entitled Julie and Julia. It is about a cook, and a lady who blogs about this cook's recipes that she tries. It is making me extremely hungry. Well that is all for now. Have a good day guys!!!

Randomosity

2010-09-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

Yes i do know the title to this blog is not a real word, but i have so much to talk about and no real theme to it.... basically i just want to ramble about random stuff. One thing, is people EASEDROPPING on my phone calls, and then trying to talk to me about stuff they THINK they heard. I know my grandma is just worried about me but seriously, im not a 12 year old little girl, i am an adult, i do not need my phone calls monitored. Second of all, i am getting sick and tired of my grandmas dog running all over the damn front yard barking and carrying on whenever someone drives by or is out for a walk. AND running all over gods creation to bark at the neighbor dog who could prolly easily swallow my german shepard in one bite. Another thing is that Clara is the love of my life, not in a romantic way but u get what i mean, all of you that have children will understand that im talking about. She is a sweet, smart, funny, beautiful little girl and i love her to death but sometimes... she gets on mommy's last nerve, like today... she thought it would be HILARIOUS to spray everything in my room with MR. CLEAN... how she it i have no idea, it was in my closet but i'm thinking she had help from a cousin of hers. Anyway ya, i am also a bit irritated that Shane did not come over to see me tonite when he said he would. I know, I know i shouldn't be mad and i probably would not be at all mad if i had adequite nicotine in my system, in which i do not and haven't had a full cigarette in my system since sometime Sunday afternoon. I know you all say i should quit well TOO BAD. there is only 2 things that are getting me to quit. You wanting me to quit, sadly is not one of them. but ok enough rambling for now, im gonna try to control my craving some other way.

School

2010-09-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it is the 14th of September, and i just started classes again yesterday. I have been out of school for pretty much all summer, so i'm feeling a little overwhelmed. BUT they are two psych classes and i LOVE LOVE LOVE psychology so it should be pretty fun and easy once i can get going. Clara starts early Headstart next Monday. She goes on the bus at 7:30am, and will be home around noon every Monday. She eats breakfast there AND lunch and they do arts and crafts and PE. I guess I failed to realize just how smart my daughter is. I mean, i knew she was smart but seeing some of the other children in her classroom, she seems like... extremely extremely advanced for her age, its NUTS. She has gone from saying "ya" to "yes" literally overnight which is good. I rearranged my room a little bit so that she has more playing room in here. i switched her toy box for a smaller one because she doesn't play with all the stuff she has in there so i pretty much took her dolls, some toys from her dad and the toys she adopted from when i was little and put them in there, then i went downstairs and found something to use for a bookshelf and made a little book corner in the closet next to her toy box. This is good for me as well because reading Clara about 8 books every night kinda get tiring when i have to dig through a big box lol. But anyway, thats all for now..... more caffeine is needed now so that i can do my school work. Bye for now.

2010-09-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

hmm well its been about two weeks since i last wrote. I still haven't start classes up again because well apparently i had some financial aid stuff to fill out so now i dont get to start classes up again till this coming monday. Last weekend (last week in august) me and clarabug went to the fair, and she rode the marry-go-round like 4x, she rode on the bikes and the boats, and they wouldnt let her ride on the train cuz they said she was too short (shes 37 1/4 inches btw but apparently the guy didnt measure her correctly) so that kind of pissed me off. Two days prior, me and Shane went to the fair, just walked around.. pigged out on rediculously overpriced fair food and played a few games. Shane won me a huge bear that has pictures of benjamin franklins all over it, and then spend 4x as much winning clara a toy.. which is cute and she loves it but anyway. i got a new thermometer last week and its freaking awesome, its a thermometer that works in both your ear AND your forehead. It also has a date, time on it as well as the room temp. oh and it talks to u, like actually TELLS you what ur temp is, it also has like a mini flashlight just in case ur doing temp checks on the kids in the middle of the night, its awesome. i got my computer screen fixed so im happy about that, and as you can tell im just extremely bored so i'll stop rambling now, hopefully next time i have something interesting to say ;)

Summer Update

2010-08-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

Well... that asshole steve broke up with me, I do not think i realized how unhappy i was because he was indeed depressed, which made me depressed. Anyway, he started dating someone the very next day so screw it. I am dating a guy named Shane now, he is really sweet, we have A LOT in common, and he is a very positive person which is going to take some getting used to since Steve was definately NOT a positive person. Anyway, Clara is doing good, talking more and more each day, she can do half her abc's, count to 10 and do 3 nursery rhymes. I start school in 2 weeks so im excited about that. Back to this whole shane thing, i really do like him but i'm holding off on the love thing for as long as i can, i do NOT want to be hurt again. I feel like he is way to good to be true, and if something seems to good to be true, it usually is.

Summer

2010-05-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

Well it is actually about summer time here in this hell hole we call South Dakota. It has rained constantly for about the past 2 weeks and it SUCKS. Yesterday was almost 95 which is way to warm for may. So i sat inside with clara for the day in my nice air conditioned room. I felt horrible because my boyfriend Steve, had to work even when they told him he wouldnt have to. He ended up working today too pretty much on 0 sleep. So he is tired, and kind of crabby but still loveable and sweet. Nothing really new is going on with me or clarabug. Oh i guess there is, we have attempted to start potty training and have made a little bit of progress, she has started going on the potty at least once a day yay. About a month ago, Steve took me shooting for the first time, and even though i was scared i shot a few guns and i LOVED it. i have then since gone shooting 2 other times and it is sooo fun. I am trying to live life in the moment as steve does because he seems a hell of a lot happier then i do. I tend to live in the past or try to hard for the future. I am done looking in the past and even though i have high hopes for the future, i am going to try to live in the present and not let things get to me so much. That is all for now.

Update

2010-02-22T15:33:00.001-08:00

Hello guys, just a quick update, clara turned 2 on feb 4th and had a great birthday. She can count to 10 now on most days but seems to keep forgetting to add 4. I will be 20 years old in two days so ill officially NOT be a teenager any more haha. I just finished my finals and ended up with B+'s as my final grades in BOTH classes. I have another EEG on friday which i am so not looking forward to at all. I found a different way to administer tylenol and ibuprofan to clara, since she is two now she can have the chewable ones, and she likes those better then the liquid so im not going to complain. But yeah theres an update, ill update you guys more AFTER my EEG on friday.

Update

2010-01-25T13:03:00.001-08:00

Well here is an update for you all. Clara is going to be 2 years old in just 9 days!!! I am still doing school, im about 24 credits away from my associates. My sister moved out in July so now its just me, my grandma and clarabug. Clara is talking sooo much now its nuts, she barely says just one word anymore, its all sentences. She is finally getting hair now so i can put her hair in pigtails YAY.. she can count to 7 now and is just doing exceptionally well in everything she does. She has an ear infection right now and OMG it is a huge war with her getting the medicine down. She is definately in the terrible twos now. When i took her to the doctor the other day she through a fit when they wanted to weigh her, she refused to let them listen to her heart and it took, me a nurse and the doctor to hold her down so the doctor could check her ears!...Happy monday everyone

Medical Diagnosis

2009-06-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here is wat happened, my doctor wanted to have an EEG done because i asked her about seeing things when i closed my eyes. Ok, so it turns out that those things that i see when i close my eyes are actually my subconcious coming out. They only come out when i have seizures. I actually had a BAD seizure when i had the EEG, i dont remember much, i remember laying there with the bright flashing light, i remember the lady telling me to open and close my eyes, and then i remember vibrating kinda, and then i blacked out. When i woke up, i had 3 people standing over me helping me and my shoulder hurt really bad. I spoke with the doctor that reviewed the video of me and he said that my seizure lasted a good 3-4 minutes and that he wouldnt be surprised if i didnt pull my shoulder out of its socket. I went and saw a neurologist, and apparently i have epilepsy, and have had it since i was 11 (mind u i thought those seeing things was just my imagination so i never mentioned it to anyone), So... ya, im stressing out about it because now i can't drive, and i have a MRI on tuesday which iv never had before, and im scared of it so... ya. Well just thought id update you all, clara is doing very well, she is running now, and is talking more and more every day.

Update for May 20th

2009-05-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, so not a whole lot has been going on. I've just been busy with school work and clarabug. She now says about 32-34 words (last time i checked, could be more now) and is saying at least 4 sentences. She is walking extremely good now and is such a joy to be around. She likes to draw and paint and LOVES animals, although she really likes to pretend cool too so i guess we will see if she is going to be a cool or a vet when she grows up haha. Anywayz, its been pretty hot here lately, it was like 90 degrees on monday and the same yesterday. Luckily i had claras trusty baby swimming pool, which btw she did not like at first, i had to literally get in there with her for her to sit in there and play. Shes becoming kind of whiney lately. Like normally she will go to my grandma when i have to go to the bathroom or something because shes used to being around her, but lately, its a huge fit she throws.. kicking and screaming and throwing her head back... ya its BAD. Shes also developed a liking to hitting, but she doesnt do it when shes mad, just frustrated. I asked her doctor about this and was told that temper tantrums and hitting and what not are a normal part of development at this age and the only thing i can really do is tell her no and try to stear her away from the situation. Shes getting to be SUCH a freaking girly girl..... she is obsessed with her little purses, she carries it around like you or i would, and loves to talk on the phone, although she seems to have figured out which phones are fake and off, so now i have been forced to call up her grandparents or her aunties and letting her talk to them. Which reminds me, Claras Grandmother Shary is having her surgery today to remove whats left of the cancer, so please pray that it all goes well. I am doing pretty good in my classes so far, im actually a sophmore now, so yay go me. I am currently taking basic math and intro to psychology. I have been trying to get into shape but its so hard when i feel so dang tired all the time, its driving me nuts. Sunday marked the 4 month anniversary of Jon's death, and i can honestly tell u, that it wasn't much different then the first month, or the second or the third. I'm still feeling the horrible pain i felt from the beginning and am almost to the point where i am convinced i will have it forever. So ya, thats all i can really think of now, here are some pictures of mine and claras past few escapades.

Some True Feelings.....

2009-05-09T02:53:00.000-07:00

Wow, i must say a lot has happened over the past few months. Clara has started walking, she says about 28 words + 3-4 sentences. She is getting more beautiful every day. I am still going to college except starting monday i'm a Sophmore in college!!! So like while all my peers are still graduating, or some of them not even graduating, i'm a sophmore in college haha, anywayz... I'm getting really tired of some things... these things pertaining to lies and fake people. I posted a blog about it before, but apparently, no one listened. In my book, if you say that you are doing to do something, you need to do it, not just "pretend" that you are going to do it. I am sick and tired of being lied to and cheated out of everything i own just because someone wants something from me. Well you know what, NO MORE. I am not gonna take anyone's crap. If you don't wanna be friends with me, fine. But know this. I am a very good and loyal friend, and just because i care and want to help doesn't mean i'm a bad person. And just because i'm young and am an unemployeed COLLEGE STUDENT does NOT make me a bad mother, So you guys can go fuck off if you think that i am. If you are not willing to care about me as much as i care about you (my friends nothing more...) then you do not DESERVE to be my friend. I am finally starting to realize that some people are not worth getting upset over. They are not better then me despite what they may think, they are exactly like me, and the only reason they say hurtful things is because they are hurting deep inside themselves.. infact i pitty them. I feel sorry for them because i know that they will never get the help they need for that issue. Me, i am willing and accepting help like a true mature adult would. So... ya, ok im done venting now, some comments would be greatly appreciated.

My birthday... hehehe

2009-04-29T00:51:00.000-07:00

ok so i took a quiz on facebook and this is what the quiz came up with for me about me....

FEBRUARY:

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

Hospital Visits and updates

2009-04-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i guess a lot has happened since Easter... so lets get started. Clara was spitting/throwin up for like a few days strait, well i thought it was the flu, so i just kept giving her pedialyte, but then she started getting constipated so i was like... maybe thats y shes throwing up, well thursday night she started throwing up and like wouldnt stop, she through up about 9 times in 10 minutes, which is a lot for a little girl like her, so we took her into the ER, minute we got there she wanted to play.. go figure huh, but i insisted she be seen. so we waited and waited and finally got seen, they did an xray of claras tummy and she was so full of poop they didnt know what to do, it was like pushing into her stomach... so they gave her an anti nausea pill and sent her home along with a suppository, before she went to the hospital (like this past week), i had tried everything to get her to go poop, i had tried the juice, extra fluids, prunes, raisens, extra fiber, prune juice, thermometer up the butt, pedeling of the legs, and a suppository.. EVERYTHING, well anyway Friday morning we took her to the doctor, she gave her another suppository and gave me a prescription for something to help her go more. So lastnight i went to the Pharmacy only to find out that it was OTC now not prescription and cost $22, i was like ya.. no, so i bought baby enemas.... Well my niece had been prescribed the exact same thing clara was supposed to be prescribed so we gave her some of that and loaded her up on prunes(which she loves btw), so today she really started going, like shes got 4 FULL diapers already so im happy about that. I asked the doctor what could have caused it, and she told me that sometimes it just happens. So today i rearanged my room so that the head of my bed is facing north (supposably its good for circulation and what not) and i went to the store and got Clara some washable finger paints, and these stackable cup things... the stackable cups she fell in love with immediately, the fingerpaints... ya not so much, she kept trying to eat it, but that was around lunch time so i think thats why..... I am doing ok my self, just battling allergies..... which i should probably get a prescription for but ehhh ill wait. Claras grandpa (jons dad) built clara a swing, like a swing set without the slide, its got two swings on it, so im excited to see what it looks like. One surprising thing that happened this week was that my dad called to get my ss number.... i guess he is getting a life insurence plan and naming me and my sisters and the beneficiaries.... which seemed weird to me because in my opinion he hasnt really thought of me at all, so ya.. ok well im done ranting now. Have a good weekend guys!

Happy Easter Everyone + UPDATE

2009-04-12T03:16:00.000-07:00

First off let me say Happy Easter Everyone!!! Not much has really been going on around here, just been hanging out with ClaraBug and doing school work. Clara is getting better at walking.. she took about 7 steps tonight without falling, but she only did that once :(... Anyway, I FINALLY got Jons name on the birth certificate and i am way freaking happy about that. I have applied for disability for myself, because my stupid mental illness's seem to be keeping me from having a job. It's extremely stupid, like ill be fine, my pills will work and everything, but the minute i start working its like.. the pills STOP working... I freak out, i feel sick, depressed, and VERY angry.. for no freaking good reason. It's driving me insane. Claras grandmother is doing good, she had her second round of chemo about 2 weeks ago, and is doing good. They checked her before the second round and her tumor had already shrunk 1/6 in size! Which according to her doctor is almost unheard of. She is loosing a bit of hair, but as i put it, "hey at least you dont have to spend hours styling it"... which is what my sisters need to do lol, they spend to much time doing their hair, id rather just do something quick and be done with it. Clara got some really cute dresses from her great grandmother as well as from her grandparents. She also got 2 pairs of shoes but the cute little shiny black ones dont fit... they do length wise, but.. yeah my daughter has fat feet. Clara is offically OFF formula, she is on lactose free whole milk, which according to my grandma tastes the same as regular milk? She is on a sippy cup now, so no more bottle, although i have to say im not to happy about the soft tip sippy cup she gets at naptime and bed time... im working on her taking the hard tip one all the time not just during the day. She is getting a better vocabulary every day, i have a lady come out once a month that plays developmental games with clara and teaches them to me so i can play with her, and she assessed clara and said she is way advanced. SO i'm happy about that. Nothing else really has been going on, so here are a few pics from the "photo shoot" i did the other day of Clara in one of her dresses

WEBSITE!!!

2009-03-27T00:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, i am going to make this short and sweet... my grandma's sister paid for this program for me to learn how to make money online(y, i have no idea, she just called and told me she did it and wanted my email address) anyway.. one of the ways to make money is to make a website and sign up for a thing with ads, whenever someone clicks on the ads i get money for it. Only like $0.50 an ad, but still.. that could really add up. So if you could all find it in your hearts to go to my website and click on them that would be greatly appreciated since i cant keep a job and i dont have any other means of income... THANKS in advance to the ones that do click... click on all the ads except the one at the top.. also any feedback on what i could add to the site would be great!

www.theteenagemother.com

New Update!

2009-03-22T03:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so clara is doing pretty good, shes still got a stuffy nose, but im pretty sure that has to do with my dumb ass sister smoking in the car when we go somewhere with her... ANYWAY... guess what guys? Clara says sentences! I'm totally not even joking she really does... it started all the sudden too, which makes me think shes been practicing them secretly lol, anyway she says "i want some" "mommy i want some" "i want down" "that my grandma". its kinda tripping me out, i mean she already says about 17 words and now sentences!!!!! We had a fun day today, we went to the park and had a bbq with Claras grandparents... which was really fun because we all havent hung out in months. Claras grandpa immediately stole her so i just kinda watched them... lol, Clara went swinging (which she LOVES SOOOO much) she went down the slide with grandpa, and went in the sand box, and he even walked around with her, with her holding onto her hands it was cute... you can tell shes gonna end up LOVING her grandparents when she gets older(although im pretty sure she already does...) Claras grandma is doing better, she gets her second round of chemo on wednesday so i guess we will see how that goes. I have been praying that she gets through this because i would hate to lose her too, shes become like a second mom to me. Anyway... its supposed to be a blizzard here with at least 2 feet of snow and 50mph winds... its the (as my grandma calls it) equinox storm... which she says happens before the weather gets nice and stays nice.... which im all for, me and clara want to start going for walks again... but ok i hope you all had a great weekend!

So upset.

2009-03-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is more of a vent then anything, i am not sure what i am supposed to do. The DNA thing went through ok, so now i am just waiting for that signed piece of paper. Well since the stupid lady at social services kept pushing me, i decided to call social security and find out what the hell all the stupid comotion was about. So i told the lady i spoke to what happened, gave her Jons SS number and she looked it all up, and i cant get anything for clara. I thought i could handle raising clara on my own without it but i cant. I barely get enough money from school and what i do get usually has to pay for bills because my dumb ass sister doesnt pay anything, plus the money i do get i only get like 2x a year.. thats not gonna last me that long... I dont know what im supposed to do. I thought about getting a job but come to the conclusion that i can't handle a job with my anxiety and bipolar. I dont know what to do and im really freaking out here. I have no financial support from anyone, I cant support my own daughter, and that kills my inside....

Update!

2009-03-02T20:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, so i have written in a few weeks so i thought i would update you guys that actually read my blog. Anyway so... Clara is almost walking, she has started taking one step by herself here and there... yesterday she took 2 by herself! Life has been pretty boring around here lately, i havent been able to sleep like i should, so lately iv been getting about... 3-3 1/2 hours of sleep a night. I went to the doctor today and i got put on new medication, so pray that this one actually works. I got a new tattoo today, its a black lined cross with pink hearts at the end of each point. its really pretty. My brother in law went with me to get it done, and he was sitting there asking me if i was gonna cry, but actually i was doing the exact opposite, i laughted, i mean it did hurt for about a minute, and then it started tickling... i hate being tickled so it was really hard for me to sit still through it all but i got it done. We are still trying to do the DNA thing, gotta wait another 9 days before i get results back to see if we can even USE the dna, which im hoping i can or else jons wish is going down the drain. So one of my friends suggested that since im having a hard time talking with my counselor about Jon's death... that i write it down before hand, and let her read my letter. So, yeah i have an app on friday so im gonna try that. Oh yeah and i got a tv and dvd player, and i have figured out that clara likes seseme street. She also likes a few other things, but for some reason seseme street is her fav. But yeah thats all thats been goin on with me. Ill try to write again soon.

1 month anniversarys hurt....

2009-02-17T19:32:00.001-08:00

Ok so today, was a busy day, but also a very sad day...today is the one month anniversary of Jons death. I have been keeping myself busy all day as to not give myself a chance to break down and cry. Anyway i have spent most of my day on the phone trying to figure out what i would need to get Jons name on the birth certificate. Here is what i found out. I did find a DNA testing facility. They were extremely nice, and the lady i spoke with was extremely understanding of my situation, and let me take my time while i sat there and tryed not to cry(didnt work to well) while i told her the whole story. Anyway, so the fee is $99 up front, and then they are running a sale, so it is going to be about $350 after that initial fee. Anywayz. I went and filled out my forms for the discounted lawyer today, and i have an appointment to meet with someone on thursday. I called around, and apparently AFTER i get the dna sample back with the results(lol even though i already know what they are... i just need them in legal writing), i need to go to the court house and petition(AKA beg on my knees) the court to let me get Jons name on the birth certificate. I finally got ahold of Jons mother, she was pretty upset though, because she had JUST got the death certificate in the mail today... i mean seriously what kind of state sends out the death certificate to arrive on the 1 month anniversary of a sons death... wtf. GOD Wyoming, show some damn compassion. Anyway, she appologized for not calling me back, i told her i completely understood. Anyway, she filled out all the paperwork i needed and send me a copy of the death certificate, so hopefully we can get the ball rolling tomarrow... and pray for me, that everything works out, that Clara will get everything she deserves, and that Jons name WILL get on there without any hassle. Because seriously, Clara, me and Jons parents(especially them) have been through enough.. we dont need to deal with anymore crap... but yeah thats how my day went.. and tomarrow... i have an appointment with Claras bright start nurse, and i have to go pick up claras 1 year pictures. Also i forgot to mention next week is my 19th birthday... which i prolly wont celebrate, because i guess im not important. go me!

Vday sucked!

2009-02-15T14:08:00.001-08:00

Ok, so for the most part.. valentines day SUCKED!!!!... i found out that reading makes me sleepy, so i bought a book, well stupid me bought the cheapest book i could find which happened to be a romance book, well i got half way through it and around midnight i got to a love scene, and idk something inside me snapped and i just started bawling! and i couldnt stop... so i didnt go to sleep till like.. idk 5am, then i got up with Clara at about 8:30.. 9ish, and gave her some breakfast, then we went to a rummage sale that they had at the civic center. I got Clara like 6 heavy night time sleepers for 25 cents a piece, so i was happy about that. Well, after that i went to walmart, and i got Clara a vday card, a lace rose, some suckers, and a little stuffed vday dog. Its really cute. Other then that my vday was pretty uneventful, other then the fact that my niece got over excited and like gave my grandma the worst black eye ever by jumping up and clocking her with her head... but yeah, thats how my vday went, i hope your guys was better... happy sunday everyone

Current Ramblings....

2009-02-10T16:52:00.001-08:00

Ok so here is basically what has happened since Claras birthday... Most of you know about my frequent/constant/never ending always there, headaches, so i finally got the courage to talk to my doctor about them.. again, so i went back to my doctor and told her about them, she said she thought it might be a sinus infection but that since it had lasted for about a month, that she wanted to a catscan... So today i got my very first cat scan... and i was TERRIFIED... i went online and looked up what the procedure was, and it sounded really scary, especially the dye the inject you with, but apparently, as i found out today, if they are doing a catscan of your upper neck or head they do not use that dye. Anyway, claras 1 year doctor app was today as well, and the doctor said she is doing very well. and that i could try whole milk, also that clara didnt have to be "fully" off the bottle till she was like 15 months! so yeah i dont feel so bad now. Clara also did pretty well with her shots too, only cried for a few seconds, and im pretty sure its because we made her lay down while they gave them to her.... but after we let her sit up again she stopped crying... imagine that.. spoiled little brat.... but i love her, but yeah ok, ill stop rambling now, wish me luck with my cat scan results, which i should have back sometime next week....

Claras First Birthday!!!

2009-02-05T17:24:00.000-08:00

Claras first birthday was awesome. I mean it was a little stressful because my little devil nieces decided to destroy the house after we had cleaned it so we had to reclean it, but other then that it was nice, we had a lot of friends and family at the party, and clara got a lot of nice gifts including the following.... a big baby gate, a toy laptop, two furreal friends animals, clothes, a toy bus, soft blocks, lots of books, a big stuffed ladybug, bubbles, a musical aligator, and my favorite... a doll Jons parents had made for her that says "Daddy Loves Clara" in a big red heart on it, i will post pictures of it once i find my camera... and once it starts working again( i ended up having to use Jons parents camera for the party pictures cuz mine died, like with brand new batteries and everything, the flash stopped worthing.) Anyway, yeah so my little girl is now one years old. She is actually getting really good at standing up from a sitting down position without holding onto anything but no walking yet... she said byebye to a few of her guests lastnight, oh and she ate about 90% of her smash cake herself. woo hoo Go Clara. lol

bloggity blog

2009-02-01T01:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry i have been MIA for the past week, i have been sort of out of it, with the funeral and all. Ok, so the funeral was tuesday, and i managed to only break down a few times, they had the most beautiful service, and a lot of great people were there, including a lot of really supportive friends and family, which i am very greatful for. They did a slideshow of pictures, and i can still not get over how much clara looks like Jon, like seriously, Clara is like a girl version of Jon, an exact replica. Anyway... i was ok, i bit my lip most of the service, but during the slideshow... the showed a pic of me a Jon, and i lost it, i completely broke down, luckily my cousin was holdin clara at the time and sitting right next to me. Well, i met some of Jons family at the funeral and the next day at his house(i went out there with clara the next day) like seriously the minute i walked in the house, Jons grandma took her, she obviously loves babies lol, well after she had her, Jons aunt Charlotte took her and played with her, then clara got down on their imaculant floor and played for a long time, then Jons dad took her and played with her, I like barely got to hold my baby at all the 6 hours we were out there :(, but that is ok, but they are all really nice people. Ok, so onto some drama.... So i have this list of people i invited to claras bday party... almost all adults... maybe like... 8 kids...(between the ages of 3 months-6yrs) anywayz... ok so one of the ladies i invited emailed me and asked if i invited this certain other person, i responded, with a yes, and asked if that mattered, she told me yes, and that if this person came that she would not come, i told her that it was very childish, that it was claras first birthday party, well.. it took her a few days to respond, and you know what this stupid bitch said to me when she finally did respond... she told me that the only reason i was having this party for clara, was because i was trying to get sympathy and pity for clara... I was like stupid bitch her father just died.... she DESERVES sympathy... needless to say, we are not friends anymore and she is not coming to the party... thank god. But yeah, just had to vent out all my anger to you guys. I have all my stuff for the party minus the cake, chips and pop, oh and the stupid tape. I have all the decorations, and the goodie bags as well as claras clothes and such. So. yeah just thought i would update you all.... Happy first day of February Everybody!!!

Psyciatric Diagnosis & A Confession

2009-01-23T23:09:00.000-08:00

So, i went to my new psyciatrist today, he seemed really nice and friendly. I spent about the first 20 min of the session filling him in all the details about my messed up family. Then i spent 10 min telling me about all the damn medication i have been on. Then we talked... it was nice, he asked questions, and for once, i felt like i wasnt crazy(my old head doc always gave me weird looks). So, yeah here is the diagnosis, I am bipolar, i asked what kind, but he said, that would have to be pinpointed at a later time. I have severe depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. Those weird face things iv been telling you all about.. yeah apparently that can be a symptom of bipolar; I have had those weird face things since i was at least 11, so does that mean iv been bipolar since i was 11? Anyway... i have a confession to make, I lied to you all, when you asked if i was ok, i said i was... i lied. I'm NOT ok, i'm dying inside, mostly from anger, mostly from guilt. I feel like its my fault Jon died, I feel that if, i had just told him how much i loved him, that maybe he would have stayed in SD, I am also feeling extreme guilt because this past week i have been so emotionally and mentally off, that i havent spent much time with clara... and she doesnt deserve that... I cryed a few tears tonight, so i'm hoping thats a start. Oh and i got a call from the SS office today, apparently since the father of my daughter is deceased i have to go through a lawyer to get his name on her birth certificate. I called the only paternity lawyer i could find in the phone book, and he is supposed to call me back. I called a few other family law lawyers but they charge $200/hr. I'm starting to think just going to a DNA center here in town would be cheaper(around $600). I have no idea what to do, i'm out of money, out of luck, and so very upset.... i'm not sure what to do anymore.

I cant let it go...

2009-01-21T22:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the day i found out Jon passed I cryed for about 7 hours strait.. no letting up then passed out from exaustion... anyway... i am still extremely upset... i was in denial for a while, but now... i found a news article about the accident, and it just seems soo... real to me now... and im having a horrible time letting out my emotions.... like im about to explode but i cant cry... iv tryed... i think its cuz im trying sooo hard to stay strong for clara, that they just wont come... if any of you have any tips on how to let out emotion that would be great... also thank you for all the well wishes. I talked to his mother today, and she said that the funeral would be on Tuesday, she said he was cremated yesterday and was already on his way back home... but that it would take a few days to get back here... sorry if you dont agree with me, but i think shipping human remains through the mail is so damn disrespectful... i mean hello that used to be a human being! Anyway, they did the DNA sample, and it is waiting for me at the Wyoming hospital. But yeah i found a news article about the accident, and i am very confused... I was told a few things, 1. that he was going 70 mph, 2. he died on the scene. 3. the car rolled 4 times... ok this news article contradicts all of that, it says he was going 90 mph, that he died in the hospital, and that his car only rolled 2 times..... I am going to call his mother tomarrow and try to get somethings straitened out... because i am very confused... oh and now i am all worried.. because if he WAS going 90mph... doesnt that seem.. kinda suicidal to you... That is what has me sooo damn worried..... but yeah ok im done ranting.

He's gone... Jons gone.. Forever....

2009-01-18T00:09:00.000-08:00

I am writing this to inform those of you who i have not talked to in a while, that i am officially a single mother... great u say.. NOT great... we got a phone call tonight around 11pm saying that jon had got into a car accident on his way home... he didnt make it... they said he was going to fast while he was making the turn to get onto the interstate and rolled the car......that he wasnt wearing a seat belt..... idk what to do, im loosing it, like really loosing it, clara is going to grow up without a father now... and i have no idea what to do.. i'm extremely upset... i mean yeah i got mad at him sometimes, but i still loved him... and the worst part about it is, is the thing he told his mom about me the day he left was that i hated him.. though i never said that, but still... he probably died thinking i hated him.... how the hell am i supposed to cope with that... please i need some help here... please guys please....

11 months old

2009-01-04T17:39:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, just wanted to write my first blog of the new year(2009!!!). Everything is pretty good, except i'm pretty sure i have a sinus infection? I have never had one before, but i was extremely miserable, and decided to look up the symptoms. Apparently I have every single one... yikes. So.. yeah i am going to the doctors tomarrow in hopes that they give me SOMETHING to ease my sufferings, because the past 3 days i have been so miserable i havent spent much time playing with Clara. Other then that, Clara is getting her third tooth, its already cut through, now i just have to wait for it to come down. Clara is 11 months old today!!! I can't believe that 11 months have already passed since her beautiful birth. I am so excited for her birthday, I have already started planning the party. We are going to have a big party here at home with about 30-35 guests. I have already bought all the decorations, except the cups.. and I have already bought her a few gifts... so now all i need to do is order the cake, buy the chips and buy the soda. Yes.. i know, its still early but i freak out when things arent planned ahead of time. But yeah, hope you guys had a great weekend!

Happy New Year!!!

2008-12-31T14:03:00.000-08:00

hey guys, just wanted to wish you a happy new year, i'm spending the night at home(of course) stuffing my face with goodies, and spending time with clara... i plan on having her take a semi long nap later today so she can stay up with me... cuz new years eve rocks!. I hope you all are well, and that you enjoy the last day of 2008. I look forward to 2009!(hopefully it will be an even better year then 2008!!!)

Christmas

2008-12-28T23:14:00.000-08:00

So christmas was pretty good considering the fact that clara was sick.... she had high fevers off and on the day before but the day of christmas eve it spiked up to 104..... but anyway... before that we went to church, and i could tell clara wasnt feeling the best because she just sat on my lap and cuddled with me... and she NEVER does that. Anyway after we came back from church we waiting for an hour or so for claras father to show up so he could watch her open presents... yeah never happened, so we opened them and she was sooo happy, it was so cute to watch the expressions on her face. Anyway around 1am we took her to the ER cuz i had given her tylenol and motrin and her fever hadnt gone down at all... they checked her over and said that it could be a virus but most likely teething because her fever kept going up and down, up and down instead of staying up. Anyway... christmas day, well we had a pretty uneventful morning, clara wasnt really interested in her presents but she did open them. Around 3pm we went out to jons parents house and my god they got her a shit ton of stuff.... she got 10 outfits, a walker, a steering wheel thingy, and a rocking horse that neighs, and its head moves.... Anyway her grandpa put her to sleep, and we ate... then me and Sherry(jons mom) got to watch jon change his first poopy diaper... without my help this time... poor clara she looks sooo scared and screamed the entire time. But he did it, not a very good job, and it took him forever but he finally managed to change it without my help. I thought it was freaking hilarious... i really should have recorded it. Anyway.... we had Ham, and potatos, for dinner.... oh i forgot to mention, jons parents got me gifts.... i have no idea why, but it was a nice gesture. Anyway, thats pretty much how my christmas went, I found out that tylenol does nothing for claras fevers anymore, and that childrens motrin is the exact same dose as infant motrin.... the only difference is that infant motrin comes with a dropper(which i got from my pharmacy for free hehehe). But yeah ok im done ranting now, ill leave u all be.

Depressed and Venting

2008-12-22T11:02:00.000-08:00

Ok this is more of a vent then anything, i am feeling really really depressed right now. I have no friends, and the people i thought were my friends hate me.... yeah im sitting here crying over them, trying to tell myself that they are worth crying over but i can't help it. They were my best friends.... and now they aren't. I know life brings change, but i dont understand how someone can go from being your best friend to someone who completely despises you. It makes me so depressed to think about all the friends i used to have... and how now they are all gone. I seriously just wanna curl up in a little ball and cry my eyes out but clara wont take a nap so i cant do that right now. If you are my friend please post a response to this.

Things That I Am Thankful For.

2008-12-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this has been bugging me for a while now so i decided to write a blog about it, so that i may go back to this blog and read it when i am feeling down. I have a problem, i have insane feelings of jealousy towards certain people, mostly people with children like myself..... i know that there is nothing i can do to get rid of this jealousy but i figure that if i make a list of things that i am grateful for, then i can possibly go back and reread all the things im thankful for.... ok so here it goes..
1. I am thankful that i am able to spend so much time with my daughter, that i dont have to work her first few years of life.
2. I am thankful that i dont have to go to a busy college, and that i can stay home with my daughter and take care of her.
3. I am thankful for the fact that my daughter always has food to eat, and water to drink.
4. I am thankful that my daughter has a clean room and a nice big crib to play in.
5. I am thankful that i am able to provide a good christmas for my daughter.
6. I am thankful that i have loving family that will do anything for me(even though i hate them sometimes)
7. I am thankful that my daughter was born well and healthy without any major defects or health problems.
8. I am thankful that I live in a house and have my own bedroom.
9. I am thankful that I have friends that care about me.
10. I am thankful that I am now smart enough to realize that drugs are stupid.
11. I am thankful that I have food and water to sustain myself so that i may take care of my daughter.
12. I am thankful that I still have my baby boy Star(my cat) left.. after the terrible trageties that happened to his mother and sister.
13. I am thankful for my 2 sisters, i hate them sometimes but deep down i love them.
14. I am thankful for my camera, without it i would loose my most precious memories.
15. I am thankful for my own bed, so that i can sleep comfortably and not sleep on a couch.
16. I am thankful for the fact that despite i was born 15wks premature, i still survived.
17. I am thankful for my grandma, that she is well enough to help me out with clara.
18. I am thankful for the fact that my daughter is at, if not above her develpment.
19. I am thankful for the fact that Claras grandparents buy claras diapers... without them i would be soo in debt.lol
20. I am thankful that my daughters first word was mamma, that she knows who i am, and that she prefers me over anyone else.

ok i so could add more but im having a brain spaz so i cant... ill add more later when i have time to think. Thanks for listening.

16 days till christmas

2008-12-09T19:17:00.000-08:00

OMG u guys im so excited for claras first christmas!!! She is getting tons of toys, and i have no idea what my sisters bought her, so she will have even more toys. The plan is that we are going to church on christmas evening, and then we are going to have a nice quiet evening at home singing christmas carols and listening to christmas music. Then the next morning is when all the fun will begin, we get to open presents!!! I don't care that i'm not getting anything, i'm more excited for clara, God... I cant wait to see the look on her face when she opens all her presents!!! But yeah anyway just wanted to share my excitement with you all. Going to go cut out christmas cookies right now. Peace!!!

Irritated

2008-12-07T19:31:00.000-08:00

Ok, so i told jon that unless he started paying more attention to clara and less attention to me that i could not be with him and he got like really really pissed off, started yelling at me, told me he hated me and all that junk... but on a happier note i started planning claras birthday party :), im going to invite like 30 people, and its gonna be like way fun :) I have booked the party room, i still have yet to buy her presents and order the cake, but i think ill wait a month to do both. But ya just needed to vent to someone,

ps: i get this week off school, then go to school for a wk, then get 2 wks off for christmas vacation!!!

Vent

2008-11-25T15:45:00.000-08:00

Today has been so fucked up i dont even know where to start, the only good thing about today is the fact that i got mcdonalds for breakfast. Today was supposed to be the day Clara, Jon and me got professional pics taken, but no, thanks to his stupid ass it didnt happen. I want melissa to move back in here cuz as of thursday she will have no place to live, and i'm not one to let one of my friends live out on the street with her 1 year old daughter. My grandma of course is bitching about it stating that she has to pay $200 up front, but melissa can not do that. She is just mad because Karen, (my sister who doesnt take care of my daughter) hasnt paid her rent yet, so all the bills are all backed up. I seriously just want to move out but i have no idea how i am going to do that. Sorry to vent, i'm just really really depressed right now.

So... i'm depressed

2008-11-19T14:23:00.000-08:00

I am kinda depressed lately. I realized that i barely have friends, the bills aren't getting paid due to my stupid sister not paying her rent. Jon isn't paying me back the money he owes me and my car is deader then a door nail so i cant go anywhere. I was supposed to go to a moms night out tomarrow but the lady that was supposed to take me canceled on me at the last minute, and i really needed to get out of the house ya know.... but yeah so i think i have a problem, well two problems actually, one is a buying problem, like i can not go to the store without buying something, i need to get help but i am not sure who to call or what to ask. I also have a problem with being attached to people, like not everyone, just certain people that have come into my life, i have become insanely attached to. I don't know why i do this either. I need help but again, not sure how to ask for it, or what to say. I need help... in more ways then 1..... thanks for letting me vent.

37 days till christmas

2008-11-17T16:48:00.000-08:00

yes if u cant tell from my title, i am counting down the days till christmas, i am soooo freaking excited, i so cant wait to see the look on claras face when she opens her presents! So, yeah my friend melissa moved out, she is staying with a friend now. Which kinda saddens me, it was cool having a friend there for me, ya know, anyway clara has decided that she wants to try standing unassisted, she will stand up on something, and then let go for a few seconds. shes getting pretty good at it, she can stand for 5 seconds before she falls down. I think she has a bug cuz this mornin she puked all over my floor, i didnt know what to do so i just cuddled her and rubbed her back, then i wiped her off and cuddled her some more. I also went and got her some pedialyte just in case she pukes again. But... yeah thats pretty much the highlight of my day, other then the fact that i found out my "A" dropped to a "B" in one of my classes, but i have a 100% in the other class so i guess im ok, write more soon,

kalsy

Monday Letter

2008-11-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, so things have been going pretty well the past few days, except today. Today like seriously sucked, first of all i couldnt find my wallet(i left it in my BIL's car) then i had to reschedule my app with my car insurence person and then on top of it all my cousin told me that i needed to watch my kid more.... i watch her 24/7 and cant get a 5 minute break once in a while. *rolls eyes* anyway so me and melissa are going to set up a photo shoot tomarrow and attempt to take professional pictures. Oh and i think i have OCD, I thought it was bipolar(still might be) but i think its OCD too, like i have horrible compulsive tendencies. Like today i just rearanged my entire room.... again. I also have a horrible compulsive buying habit. I can not go to the store without buying something, i'm sorry i just cant help it. but ok i'm ranting so i'll let u guys go back to your purposefull lives. Just thought i'd let you guys know what was going on up in SD

ps: Halloween was awesome!!!

2008-10-24T15:22:00.000-07:00

ok, so melissa and keona arrived here yesterday morning. I got up at 6:30 in order to meet them when their bus got there at 7:50. We then went to walmart and ran into my friend barbara. Barbara is the friend that only gets to be with her daughter 2 days a week. Anyway, barbara and melissa havent seen each other in over a year and barbara acted like she didnt even care, which kinda pissed me off, but oh well. Anyway so i made dinner last night and it was way good. Keona and Clara played alot yesterday, They get along good together but keona is a little rough since she is older(1 year old). So, we just had a lazy day today, nothing really special going on, we are going to carve pumpkins later though, so... yeah ok well im done ranting about my day, Have a great weekend guys!

Messed up

2008-10-18T17:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, now everything is getting messed up. My friend may not be here till the end of the week if things keep going the way they are going. Her man was supposed to send her money but like all the money places are closed. This so doesnt help like at all. Plus on top of that Jon went and got drunk and i'm really freaking pissed off at him. Clara is being a crabby but today and i havent spent much time with her because i have been with jon, or cleaning. I am just in a majorly pissed off mood right now and i am not sure how to deal with it.

Thursday Letter

2008-10-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, so Jon gave me his old car, which had a new transmission, and basically new everything put in last year. I just got to get insurence, and get the license and registration stuff taken care of. We are almost all done cleaning the basement. We just gotta lug some boxes of unwanted stuff upstairs to take to the dump. I also still hafta sweep and mop the floors. So.. yeah today Jon bought me roses, which i thought was sweet, but i dont think a thing of roses is going to win me back. Jon is officially caught up with his child support payments ($100 a month yay). I bought clara a new carseat, and i bought even more wipes, so now i have..... 19 things of wipes? 3 drawers + 2 boxes of diapers, and yeah lots of other stuff. I tried my new tea(sugar cookie sleigh ride) and it is sooooooo goooooood. Clara crawls and is now learning that standing up is funner. lol, so yeah well thats all for now, miss clara is waking up. Have a great weekend guys.

Yay i get to play hostess!!!

2008-10-13T19:20:00.001-07:00

Yay so in about a week my friend originally from SD is gonna come back and stay with me a while. Her and her daughter. She lived in AZ with her mom but her mom went all crazy on her, and so she moved to CA with her dad but her dad is a jerk, so shes coming back to SD. she will get her own place, but her BF(also lives in SD right now), is in pine ridge working construction so he will be down there for a few weeks. So, i am going to fix up the basement so her and her daughter can stay down there. She will have her own bathroom and seeing as though all her stuff got left in AZ she doesnt have a whole lot of stuff to bring with her to take up space. I'm glad i can help her out though, i feel so bad for her, i mean i may not have alot but i at least have a home and supportive family. So... its gonna be cool to have a friend to hang out with again. I mean, her daughter is 4 months older then clara, so clara will have a playmate. So... yeah thats cool. i'm way excited wish me luck on my cleaning project tomarrow!!!

Boring Saturday

2008-10-11T16:58:00.001-07:00

Ok, so here is my saturday post. I didn't really do much today, i rearanged my room again so that clara actually has a place to crawl around now. I also went shopping, i got a candle and some new tea called "sugar cookie sleigh ride" which i am excited to try. I also got clara a new sippy cup in hopes that she starts liking it. So.... yeah last night i went and hung out with my friend B, i havent hung out with this girl in over a year so i was WAY excited. We went to the new target and went shopping, i got clara some new headbands, and a different sippy cup. It was cool, but i kinda feel bad for my friend, she only gets to spend 2 days a week with her daughter. The rest of the time she is working or at school. Thats gotta suck!!!! But anywayz.... i can cam now so if any of u wanna cam with me, u know how to get a hold of me, and ask. Much love to you all.

Kalsy&Clara

UPDATE

2008-10-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

Ok so here is an update on the past two weeks. The reason i have not been on was because my stupid desk top computer that i bought only a year ago crashed or died, or whatever you wanna call it. So.... i had to wait for money to get a new one. Jon has come by a few times but only stays for a few minutes each time which i think is major BS. Clara is pulling herself up to stand now, like seriously she just started doing it one day. I came back from the bathroom and she was standing up in her crib, she fell and then stood up again, i was in total awe, that is until i realized shes getting two teeth on the bottom. They are so cute, they are just peaking through her gums but u can see the indent of them in her gums. So i stocked up on baby teething tabs, orejel and tylenol oh and teething rings. I also went christmas shopping. I bought clara 1 BIG toy and 4 smaller toys. I got her a learning table that teaches colors, numbers, the alphabet and something else? I also got her a "cell phone" since she LOVES to play with mine, i got her a hard book that teaches her similar things as the table does, and i got her this shape sorter thingy. I also got her something else but for the life of me i can not remember what the heck it is. One thing i realized is you should turn the stupid toy off before u wrap them.... i was done wrapping them and they started talking. I was like OMG SHHHHHHH. I also got my nieces things too, just because i would rather see their happy faces then get something myself. I got them each a BIG doll and a thing that teaches, shapes, alphabet, colors and numbers. So.. yeah thats pretty much how my week went, I also got a new cellphone that is prepaid but has unlimited text on it. I also went to a new store and got a pair of jeans.... size 9 but i guess they are too small so i gotta take them back and get a size 13(hopefully THOSE will fit) I also got some new shirts for me seeing as how i never buy anything for myself and it feels good to be wearing new clothes. but ok i'm done ranting now. Comment please!

Venting tuesday

2008-09-23T17:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i got some of my money and I paid Kandra back the money i owed her. I put $100 aside for bills(my rent) and then i went and bought some monthly necessities. So... the reason i am kinda pissed off is because of Jon, he was supposed to come over here to see his daughter but never fucking does. He always thinks up some lame excuse like "i dont have gas to come see you"(when his mother gave him gas money just to come see us) or"i'm gonna hang out with some friends for a while"(his DRUGGIE friends) so you know what fuck him, i'm filing child support on his ass and he can fucking pay me $125(1/5 of his income... i guess thats what child support is in sd) every month. Yeah like to see how thats gonna pan out. So.... yeah i bought all my monthly necessities plus Claras.... and i still have money left. I am not used to having this money left thing. I am used to buying clara everything she needs and having nothing left thing. It is all so new to me. lol. So yeah... i'll rant more later.

Another Boring Monday

2008-09-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

So.. today was pretty uneventful. I got up, played with clara, and after about an our or so of playing with her, we went out to eat at red lobster(all you can eat shrimp yay!!), after that we came here, and just kinda chilled for a little bit. Clara took a nap, and i finished up with my school work for the day. I found out that my b.i.l.'s sister Jenny is being induced tomarrow at 6am. I hope everything goes ok for her, poor jenny seems so miserable. Anywayz.... so i decided that i am going to start taking a vitamin everyday. See if that helps my health. I have been feeling kinda tired and achey the past few days. We took some things back to walmart that i had boughten but clara never used so i got some money back for that, and i bought jenny a cute little take me home outfit. I would buy stuff for clara... but as you all know from one of my previous posts that i get sort of anel when clara doesn't have like 10 of everything.(seriously right now i have 2 boxes of diapers, 11 boxes of wipes, and idk like 10cans of baby formula, 3 baby washes, 2 lotions, 2 desitins and 2 tylenols.) I was gonna buy her a halloween costume but i am still deciding on what to do about that. I kind of wanna have her be this adorable little lamb..... but then part of me wants her to be a cute little pumpkin... decisions decisions. Anyway so yeah.... thats pretty much how my monday went.

PS: claras gums are getting rock hard, and she was running a fever earlier, i hope its just teething and not a bug.

God will provide

2008-09-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

ok so i am trying this new thing that when i feel depressed or scared or nervous about something i have to think to myself "God will provide". It has been working so far, and i have faith that this little saying will help me get through some tough times ahead. I am not sure what religion you all are, but i am christian and proud of it. Just wanted to state that to every one, ok i'm going to bed now, write more another day.

Fun day!

2008-09-18T21:21:00.001-07:00

Ok, so the other day was a pretty fun day. I went into the basement and found my nieces old walker. You may say walkers are bad, or that since it was used i shouldn't use it. Well i say you are wrong. Clara fits it perfectly and LOVES LOVES LOVES it. After i spent 20 minutes cleaning it off, i put shoes on her and took her outside to walk in it. She was so excited, she loved being able to move around. and i wasnt worried about it tipping over because it has some sort of guard on it, so it cant flip over. Anyway so we played outside for about 2 hours. In that time, Claras godmother Emi(emili) decided to show up to say hi, and gave Clara a candy apple sucker(the green sucker with the carmel on top). She LOVED that, more then the walker. It was so funny, she sucked on it, and gummed it. She almost ate it all too, but i took it away to wipe off her hand and i dropped it... woops. Other then that, I have found that my wish has come true and that I will not have to work this year while I am in school. Which is totally awesome! I am so excited. In 4 years I am going to have a degree, a real college degree, and i am going to do stuff that i like to do. I will get a good job and I will be able to support Clara by myself, without a husband. Go me!!!!!

The requested post about Jon.

2008-09-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Ok here we go... Jon is Claras dad. I met him last march through my cousin. Her friend Cory was friends with him. Ok, so we started dating, but like the entire time we were dating all he wanted to do was make out. Well prom rolled around and the entire time(i kid you not) we were at prom he was asking me if i wanted to have sex with him... which made my only prom experience so not fun. Anyway.... we ended up doing the deed and in may i ended up got pregnant. It seemed a little funny to me because I bought condoms so i assumed he was using them, but most the time we did it, we were both stoned out of our freaking minds. So... anyway i ended up pregnant,took a test which he insisted i took. So ok i was pregnant, and as all of you know pregnant people sleep a lot and are crabby. Well i knew i wanted to keep Clara from the beginning so i didnt wanna use drugs and i didnt want him using drugs anymore. He hated that and said he was gonna break up with me because he didnt want me controlling him. So we broke up, i spoke to him maybe.... 2 times the rest of the pregnancy. When i had clara he called and the first thing he said was "oh you had the kid" no congrats, no nothing and he called HIS daughter kid, which totally annoyed me. Anyway.... so we tried going back out in may of this year but things didnt work out. It was going pretty good, but he like wanted to have sex all the time, and i didnt. Also he fessed up and admited he was smoking weed again. So.. we broke up. Now he sees Clara about 2 times a week or so and his parents buy Clara diapers and stuff, just recently his parents bought me diapers out of Jons money(which is a first) and Jon even gave me $50 for child support(another first). He gave me like $10 one time for Clara, but went and bought a $70 video game the same day, and that REALLY pissed me off. I have given up everything for Clara, i gave up my friends, my religion, like $7000 of MY money, and don't get me wrong i would so do it all over again, because Clara means more to me then anyone else in the world but idk, it just doesnt seem fair that he doesn't have to have any responsibility. He didn't loose any friends, he doesn't have to take care of her when she is sick, he doesn't have to do anything. I mean God, she is 7 months old and he hasnt even changed a single diaper yet. So... yeah ok this concludes my post about Jon.

Random Post

2008-09-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

Ok so, i thought i would write a post today to tell everyone what i did. I didn't really do much at all today actually. I got some child support from Jon(gasp!) and so i went and bought Clara 4 outfits and 4 pairs of socks with it. I bought a red, black and silver striped shirt with matching pants, a black silver and pink shirt with matching black pants, a sweat suit that is purplish pinkish. and a pair of jeans with this way cool lady bug shirt that blinks, its way cool. Her daddy also bought her one of those stackable toys that you see everywhere. Oh, and i brought up the play pen from downstairs. It is bigger then normal play pens and Clara loves it because we have it set up in the living room so she can be around the other kids. We also brought up the toy ride on horse. That thing is about 24 years old. It was my oldest sisters when she was a baby, and it just kinda kept getting passed down. She liked it though so that was cool. Anyway me and Jon have decided that we wanna be friends for right now dispite his constant attempt to kiss me.... so as friends, we made a pizza earlier and played life. Which i totally beat him at haha. Oh and Clara says dada now. and she said it today while Jon was here. It was so funny, you guys should have seen his face light up when he heard her say it. So now she says... mamma, dadda, nanna, lalla(idk y) and bobba. Shes been saying bobba ALOT lately. She also has been having less of an appetite, maybe a growth spurt? Anyway i'm done rambling now. Talk to everyone soon!!!

Baby Supplies

2008-09-10T01:11:00.000-07:00

Just thought i would write a blog on my baby supplies; not sure why. I just wanted to. Anyway..... Clara has. 12-cans of formula 2-big boxes of baby food(one for fruit one for veggies) 12-4oz bottles of juice. 3- drawers full of diapers, plus two unopened boxes. 6- packages of wipes(one package is equal to one box) 2-things of baby tylenol 2-things of baby wash On top of all this.... she has her nice crib, her exersaucer, her swing(well actually two swings but we never used one) her stroller, her car seat, her mountain of toys that somehow seems to be getting bigger...... mmmmm maybe its the toy trolls? and her dresser is full of clothes. Oh and i got some baby spoons at walmart, they come in a pack of 5 spoons 5 forks for $1, but i dont use the forks i just gave them to my nieces, but they are freaking awesome, cant believe i spent $4 for 4 of her other ones. And on top of that she has like 12 bottles, but for some reason only 7 nipples for the bottles... bottle trolls..... but yeah i would say i have one spoiled baby. hehe

NEW MEDS

2008-09-06T01:06:00.000-07:00

ok so i went to the doctor the other day(almost didn't get in because i am not aloud to be over 5 minutes late, and i was 15 minutes late) but luckily(THANK GOD) the person whose app was after me never showed. SO..... anyway i talked to my head doc about all the stuff that's been going on lately. The anger issues, the concentration issues, the weird head thing and the racing thoughts. She kinda gave me a funny look when i told her about the weird head thing.... But she looked through some things on her computer and prescribed me Symyax. It is a mix between a mood stabilizer(anti psychotic) and an anti depressant. I looked up all the stuff online and i guess it is supposed to help with all that stuff. It is supposed to help improve my mood, help me sleep,he;p me concentrate, and decrease nervousness. The side effects aren't bad either(like most pills) the "bothersome" side effects are, increased appetite, weight gain, drowsiness, and dry mouth, all of which i want(except the dry mouth hehe) So... yeah its a pretty low dose, i even had to wait a whole day for my drug store to fill them because they didn't carry that specific dose. I guess we will see how it works. I took my first pill tonight. I am still on my Effexor for depression though. I am sooo hoping this pill works, so um if yall could do me a favor and tell me if you notice any positive changes in me. I tend to have a hard time recognising this stuff myself so yeah... ok well update more about my life later after i have had sleep.

Stupid Bitch

2008-09-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

Ok so... this post is about my sister... you know the one i complained about before. Y you ask, because she said something to me that made me cry for 2 hours strait! It all started when she was supposed to take me to the store to get baby food for Clara and WIC. Well she screwed around all freaking day, and when it came time for me to go to the store... yeah didn't happen. So i bitched because she promised me. Well she started in on how i never watch Clara... which i do just not when i am doing school work. So i told her, that Donald her husband, never watches her daughter, all he does is sit on his lazy butt all day. Well then she said something about having a job, and then called me a bad mother! A fucking bad mother! Excuse me, i am not the one at the bars at all hours of the night getting wasted while my sick grandma watches my daughter AND I PUT MY DAUGHTER FIRST before my needs. I have gone without pads for a week(using just tampons) so Clara would have water for her formula. Well by this time, i'm like yelling at her because she called me a horrible mother, and she said that I shouldn't even have Clara, that Clara doesn't need a crazy mother and that i should be locked up in a phyco hospital. She also said that Clara should get taken away. Which totally just pissed me off, but it made me extremely upset so.. yeah i cried for 2 hours. But comeone... you cant blame me, if someone said that to you, you would get upset too. So after the 2 hours of unstoppable crying, I called my cousin, told her what happened, which totally made her and my aunt and uncle very angry. My aunt told me over her and my uncles dead body that Clara would get taken away from me, my cousin wanted to beat her butt, and told me shes just mad because she knows i'm right... so yeah thats the conclusion of my day. I did get to go to the store though. my cousin and her fiance took me, so i could get babyfood, and water, a sippy cup for clara, ohh and i did finally get pads for myself. So.. yeah I am a good mother fuck her. I put my daughter first... and she knows that! She is just fucking jealous that I am doing something with my life(college) and that I didn't marry a dead beat man that calls himself a dad. But ok i'm done venting now, i feel better

So.. its 4am.

2008-09-02T02:59:00.001-07:00

And i can't sleep. I went to bed at 9 and woke up at 11 so i got like 2 hours of sleep. Anywayz... Clara's cold seems to have gotten better. Her snot is now clear, and not yellowish. She still coughs but i think that is from the snot running down her throat.... as that can irritate your throat. I got some school work done today so that is good. Other then that it has been a pretty slow day around here. Me and clara just pretty much hung out all day, i introduced her to blocks and attempted to teach her how to knock them down.... i don't think she has caught on yet though. I can't believe Clara is almost 7 months... it seems unreal to me. It seems like she was just born yesterday... but of course i love her more now then i did then so... yeah. I seem to be extra extra tired lately for some odd reason and i have no idea why. I would go to the doctors but i am not really worried. I'm really excited though because for the next ten days it is supposed to be fairly cool. The high for the week is 75 degrees F. and thats next tuesday! Other then that its supposed to be in the sixties and seventies all week!!! I am so excited for fall.. because fall means holidays... like Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas... God I am so excited for christmas, I get to be a santa this year! But anyway i should try to rest now, so when i have to get up in 3 hours to feed Clara, i don't end up getting baby cereal in her eye. Talk more later!

I deleted some friends....

2008-09-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

Ok so today i deleted some friends out of my life. I deleted them from my myspace, from my messanger list and from my life. I was sick and tired of the emotional abuse they were causing me and i could not take it anymore. I do not deserve that. I am sitting here crying right now because im in a lot of emotional pain... but i know its for the better. These people were just making me depressed and i do not need that. Clara does not need a mother that is depressed because of these stupid fucking people so they were deleted. Just so you know, none of you that are reading this blog were deleted.

My love

2008-08-29T00:06:00.001-07:00

A MOTHERS LOVE

A mothers love is forgiving. It does not hold grudges.
A mothers love is kind, and never judgemental.
A mothers love is ever growing..... there can never be too much.
A mothers love is never gone, it will forever be in the hearts of her children.
A mothers love is hopeful, that the future brings her children happiness.
A mothers love is strong, no one in the entire world can break it.
A mothers love is un-descriptive, there are never words to tell how it is felt.
A mothers love is irriplaceable, it can not be replaced by all the friends in the world.
A mothers love is worthy, of the children that helped create it.
A mothers love is something that all mothers share in common.
A mothers love is something that can never be changed, it remains the same even after a million years.

I love my daughter. I can not explain to anyone my love for her. It is not descriptive. It is the strongest feeling I have ever felt and gets stronger with each passing day. I love my daughter to death. I would do anything for her, ANYTHING. I hate to think of the poor person that tries to harm her.... they will be eternally sorry. I love to look into her eyes and see the happiness and joy that I helped create. I love to hear her "talk" and laugh. I even love to hear her cry, it means she has feelings, it means she is growing more intelligent with each breath she takes. I love knowing that someday I will be able to teach her everything I know and be able to give her the things i hold dear to my heart. I know one day she will look back on this and think it is pretty corny, I think so myself but she will know how much i love her and that is what counts.

My scary dream!!!

2008-08-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

Ok so i just had to post this, i had one scary dream last night, it may not seem that scary but i woke up terrified. Ok so like me and my cousin were at our old elementary school that for some reason the playground had turned into a water park. ok so me and clara were playing around in the water and stuff when i had to go to the bathroom, I put clara back into her stroller, having my cousin watch her and went inside the school to go to the bathroom, well when i came back out, my cousin was off playing in the water and clara was gone from her stroller, i asked her where clara was and she had no idea. I started freaking out, where was my baby? would i ever see her again? This was one of those dreams where you feel all the emotions too so i actually felt fear.... anyway.... so i looked and looked and looked but i couldn't find her.... then all the sudden off in the distance i saw some little kids huddled around something that was crawling on the ground, and it was clara, so i ran over there and picked her up and cuddled her, all the while i'm crying my eyes out. I woke up and my heart was racing sooo freaking fast! I am not sure why I had that dream but it totally freaked me out.... just thought i would post it.

just me rambling on.

2008-08-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

ok so this is kinda just gonna be my rambling about certain stuff but read on and you may learn something. So today started out good, me and clara woke up and we ate breakfast, played a bit and then we took a short nap... very short actually because my stupid sister and her daughter came over here. So she bitched and moaned about how she was sick and how she needed help with gabby. I wouldn't have a problem with that if gabby wasnt a two year old little terror that actually listened! Well that and the fact that whenever I am sick I am MADE to watch my daughter, i don't get any help because then she(my sister) bitches. Any hoo, SO i got really angry earlier because my nieces had the new kittens wrapped up in blankets so tight i dont even think the poor kittens could breath, so i told them to loosen the blankets or let the kittens go on the ground. Well neither of them would listen, so i told them if they were gonna disobey me they were going in timeout. well they both walked off like i wasnt even there so i grabbed both their arms and put their butts in timeout. Well gabby finished her time out(shes 2 so she gets 2 minutes) but lexi... OMG she just started whining and kicking and screaming the entire time so i told her her time out didnt start until she stopped throwing a fit, well her mom(my other sister) was on the phone and said she could have the kitten and do whatever she wanted to with it AND that she didnt need to be in timeout. Which totally pissed me off, i'm an animal lover and i don't think she should be almost killing those poor little kittens. My sister always complains that her daughter doesn't listen, and she wonders y... i mean hello if you arent gonna make a kid listen they arent gonna listen EVER. Anyway so i went in my room and finally(took for freaking ever) finished my 800 word essay. People say an 800 word essay is easy, trust me its not, you start running out of facts and things to say. After that me and clara played for a bit and i found out something that made her laugh, i blow a rasberry on her tummy and say boo in a high pitched voice... i love her laugh its sooo cute. I love to see her smile, i just love everything about her, i even love it when shes fussing and everything because i know im usually the only one that can calm her down. Which brings me to another subject. I think there is something wrong with me, because i have like this overwhelming fear, like im dealthy afraid of loosing my daughter. I seriously spent half of lastnight holding her in my lap(even though she sleeps with me, i still picked her up in my arms) and just bawled my eyes out. I don't know wtf came over me... i just became overwhelmed with fear and this isn't the first time this has happened. It has happened before. So I am gonna talk to my head doctor about it and see if this is normal or if i can get a pill for it. On a happier note did yall know Walmarts brand(parents choice) makes babyfood? It's like $0.60 cheaper and it has 10% more in it, plus 10% more potassium. So.. yeah for fruits i'm gonna be buying that brand instead of gerber.. that is until i learn to make my own. Well ok i'm done ranting for now.

Almost crawling

2008-08-26T16:08:00.000-07:00

So.. yeah clara is almost crawling. She crawled a whole foot the other day but i cant get her to do it again. Now she just keeps rocking back and forth on all fours. Its so cute to watch. She has just started stage two foods and she seems to be doing pretty good with them. I am doing pretty good myself. I manually lowered my dose of celexa down to 10mg and im still on 37.5mg of effexor. I think they were over medicating me. haha. But.. yeah i have been in school for almost an entire month. isnt that crazy? Also.. clara will be 7 months old next week! That is even crazier! But... ill stop boring you all now!!!! Write more later!!!