Psyciatric Diagnosis & A Confession

So, i went to my new psyciatrist today, he seemed really nice and friendly. I spent about the first 20 min of the session filling him in all the details about my messed up family. Then i spent 10 min telling me about all the damn medication i have been on. Then we talked... it was nice, he asked questions, and for once, i felt like i wasnt crazy(my old head doc always gave me weird looks). So, yeah here is the diagnosis, I am bipolar, i asked what kind, but he said, that would have to be pinpointed at a later time. I have severe depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. Those weird face things iv been telling you all about.. yeah apparently that can be a symptom of bipolar; I have had those weird face things since i was at least 11, so does that mean iv been bipolar since i was 11? Anyway... i have a confession to make, I lied to you all, when you asked if i was ok, i said i was... i lied. I'm NOT ok, i'm dying inside, mostly from anger, mostly from guilt. I feel like its my fault Jon died, I feel that if, i had just told him how much i loved him, that maybe he would have stayed in SD, I am also feeling extreme guilt because this past week i have been so emotionally and mentally off, that i havent spent much time with clara... and she doesnt deserve that... I cryed a few tears tonight, so i'm hoping thats a start. Oh and i got a call from the SS office today, apparently since the father of my daughter is deceased i have to go through a lawyer to get his name on her birth certificate. I called the only paternity lawyer i could find in the phone book, and he is supposed to call me back. I called a few other family law lawyers but they charge $200/hr. I'm starting to think just going to a DNA center here in town would be cheaper(around $600). I have no idea what to do, i'm out of money, out of luck, and so very upset.... i'm not sure what to do anymore.

I cant let it go...

Ok, so the day i found out Jon passed I cryed for about 7 hours strait.. no letting up then passed out from exaustion... anyway... i am still extremely upset... i was in denial for a while, but now... i found a news article about the accident, and it just seems soo... real to me now... and im having a horrible time letting out my emotions.... like im about to explode but i cant cry... iv tryed... i think its cuz im trying sooo hard to stay strong for clara, that they just wont come... if any of you have any tips on how to let out emotion that would be great... also thank you for all the well wishes. I talked to his mother today, and she said that the funeral would be on Tuesday, she said he was cremated yesterday and was already on his way back home... but that it would take a few days to get back here... sorry if you dont agree with me, but i think shipping human remains through the mail is so damn disrespectful... i mean hello that used to be a human being! Anyway, they did the DNA sample, and it is waiting for me at the Wyoming hospital. But yeah i found a news article about the accident, and i am very confused... I was told a few things, 1. that he was going 70 mph, 2. he died on the scene. 3. the car rolled 4 times... ok this news article contradicts all of that, it says he was going 90 mph, that he died in the hospital, and that his car only rolled 2 times..... I am going to call his mother tomarrow and try to get somethings straitened out... because i am very confused... oh and now i am all worried.. because if he WAS going 90mph... doesnt that seem.. kinda suicidal to you... That is what has me sooo damn worried..... but yeah ok im done ranting.

He's gone... Jons gone.. Forever....

I am writing this to inform those of you who i have not talked to in a while, that i am officially a single mother... great u say.. NOT great... we got a phone call tonight around 11pm saying that jon had got into a car accident on his way home... he didnt make it... they said he was going to fast while he was making the turn to get onto the interstate and rolled the car......that he wasnt wearing a seat belt..... idk what to do, im loosing it, like really loosing it, clara is going to grow up without a father now... and i have no idea what to do.. i'm extremely upset... i mean yeah i got mad at him sometimes, but i still loved him... and the worst part about it is, is the thing he told his mom about me the day he left was that i hated him.. though i never said that, but still... he probably died thinking i hated him.... how the hell am i supposed to cope with that... please i need some help here... please guys please....

11 months old

Hey guys, just wanted to write my first blog of the new year(2009!!!). Everything is pretty good, except i'm pretty sure i have a sinus infection? I have never had one before, but i was extremely miserable, and decided to look up the symptoms. Apparently I have every single one... yikes. So.. yeah i am going to the doctors tomarrow in hopes that they give me SOMETHING to ease my sufferings, because the past 3 days i have been so miserable i havent spent much time playing with Clara. Other then that, Clara is getting her third tooth, its already cut through, now i just have to wait for it to come down. Clara is 11 months old today!!! I can't believe that 11 months have already passed since her beautiful birth. I am so excited for her birthday, I have already started planning the party. We are going to have a big party here at home with about 30-35 guests. I have already bought all the decorations, except the cups.. and I have already bought her a few gifts... so now all i need to do is order the cake, buy the chips and buy the soda. Yes.. i know, its still early but i freak out when things arent planned ahead of time. But yeah, hope you guys had a great weekend!