Medical Diagnosis

Ok, so here is wat happened, my doctor wanted to have an EEG done because i asked her about seeing things when i closed my eyes. Ok, so it turns out that those things that i see when i close my eyes are actually my subconcious coming out. They only come out when i have seizures. I actually had a BAD seizure when i had the EEG, i dont remember much, i remember laying there with the bright flashing light, i remember the lady telling me to open and close my eyes, and then i remember vibrating kinda, and then i blacked out. When i woke up, i had 3 people standing over me helping me and my shoulder hurt really bad. I spoke with the doctor that reviewed the video of me and he said that my seizure lasted a good 3-4 minutes and that he wouldnt be surprised if i didnt pull my shoulder out of its socket. I went and saw a neurologist, and apparently i have epilepsy, and have had it since i was 11 (mind u i thought those seeing things was just my imagination so i never mentioned it to anyone), So... ya, im stressing out about it because now i can't drive, and i have a MRI on tuesday which iv never had before, and im scared of it so... ya. Well just thought id update you all, clara is doing very well, she is running now, and is talking more and more every day.

Update for May 20th

Wow, so not a whole lot has been going on. I've just been busy with school work and clarabug. She now says about 32-34 words (last time i checked, could be more now) and is saying at least 4 sentences. She is walking extremely good now and is such a joy to be around. She likes to draw and paint and LOVES animals, although she really likes to pretend cool too so i guess we will see if she is going to be a cool or a vet when she grows up haha. Anywayz, its been pretty hot here lately, it was like 90 degrees on monday and the same yesterday. Luckily i had claras trusty baby swimming pool, which btw she did not like at first, i had to literally get in there with her for her to sit in there and play. Shes becoming kind of whiney lately. Like normally she will go to my grandma when i have to go to the bathroom or something because shes used to being around her, but lately, its a huge fit she throws.. kicking and screaming and throwing her head back... ya its BAD. Shes also developed a liking to hitting, but she doesnt do it when shes mad, just frustrated. I asked her doctor about this and was told that temper tantrums and hitting and what not are a normal part of development at this age and the only thing i can really do is tell her no and try to stear her away from the situation. Shes getting to be SUCH a freaking girly girl..... she is obsessed with her little purses, she carries it around like you or i would, and loves to talk on the phone, although she seems to have figured out which phones are fake and off, so now i have been forced to call up her grandparents or her aunties and letting her talk to them. Which reminds me, Claras Grandmother Shary is having her surgery today to remove whats left of the cancer, so please pray that it all goes well. I am doing pretty good in my classes so far, im actually a sophmore now, so yay go me. I am currently taking basic math and intro to psychology. I have been trying to get into shape but its so hard when i feel so dang tired all the time, its driving me nuts. Sunday marked the 4 month anniversary of Jon's death, and i can honestly tell u, that it wasn't much different then the first month, or the second or the third. I'm still feeling the horrible pain i felt from the beginning and am almost to the point where i am convinced i will have it forever. So ya, thats all i can really think of now, here are some pictures of mine and claras past few escapades.

Some True Feelings.....

Wow, i must say a lot has happened over the past few months. Clara has started walking, she says about 28 words + 3-4 sentences. She is getting more beautiful every day. I am still going to college except starting monday i'm a Sophmore in college!!! So like while all my peers are still graduating, or some of them not even graduating, i'm a sophmore in college haha, anywayz... I'm getting really tired of some things... these things pertaining to lies and fake people. I posted a blog about it before, but apparently, no one listened. In my book, if you say that you are doing to do something, you need to do it, not just "pretend" that you are going to do it. I am sick and tired of being lied to and cheated out of everything i own just because someone wants something from me. Well you know what, NO MORE. I am not gonna take anyone's crap. If you don't wanna be friends with me, fine. But know this. I am a very good and loyal friend, and just because i care and want to help doesn't mean i'm a bad person. And just because i'm young and am an unemployeed COLLEGE STUDENT does NOT make me a bad mother, So you guys can go fuck off if you think that i am. If you are not willing to care about me as much as i care about you (my friends nothing more...) then you do not DESERVE to be my friend. I am finally starting to realize that some people are not worth getting upset over. They are not better then me despite what they may think, they are exactly like me, and the only reason they say hurtful things is because they are hurting deep inside themselves.. infact i pitty them. I feel sorry for them because i know that they will never get the help they need for that issue. Me, i am willing and accepting help like a true mature adult would. So... ya, ok im done venting now, some comments would be greatly appreciated.

My birthday... hehehe

ok so i took a quiz on facebook and this is what the quiz came up with for me about me....

FEBRUARY:

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

Hospital Visits and updates

Ok, so i guess a lot has happened since Easter... so lets get started. Clara was spitting/throwin up for like a few days strait, well i thought it was the flu, so i just kept giving her pedialyte, but then she started getting constipated so i was like... maybe thats y shes throwing up, well thursday night she started throwing up and like wouldnt stop, she through up about 9 times in 10 minutes, which is a lot for a little girl like her, so we took her into the ER, minute we got there she wanted to play.. go figure huh, but i insisted she be seen. so we waited and waited and finally got seen, they did an xray of claras tummy and she was so full of poop they didnt know what to do, it was like pushing into her stomach... so they gave her an anti nausea pill and sent her home along with a suppository, before she went to the hospital (like this past week), i had tried everything to get her to go poop, i had tried the juice, extra fluids, prunes, raisens, extra fiber, prune juice, thermometer up the butt, pedeling of the legs, and a suppository.. EVERYTHING, well anyway Friday morning we took her to the doctor, she gave her another suppository and gave me a prescription for something to help her go more. So lastnight i went to the Pharmacy only to find out that it was OTC now not prescription and cost $22, i was like ya.. no, so i bought baby enemas.... Well my niece had been prescribed the exact same thing clara was supposed to be prescribed so we gave her some of that and loaded her up on prunes(which she loves btw), so today she really started going, like shes got 4 FULL diapers already so im happy about that. I asked the doctor what could have caused it, and she told me that sometimes it just happens. So today i rearanged my room so that the head of my bed is facing north (supposably its good for circulation and what not) and i went to the store and got Clara some washable finger paints, and these stackable cup things... the stackable cups she fell in love with immediately, the fingerpaints... ya not so much, she kept trying to eat it, but that was around lunch time so i think thats why..... I am doing ok my self, just battling allergies..... which i should probably get a prescription for but ehhh ill wait. Claras grandpa (jons dad) built clara a swing, like a swing set without the slide, its got two swings on it, so im excited to see what it looks like. One surprising thing that happened this week was that my dad called to get my ss number.... i guess he is getting a life insurence plan and naming me and my sisters and the beneficiaries.... which seemed weird to me because in my opinion he hasnt really thought of me at all, so ya.. ok well im done ranting now. Have a good weekend guys!

Happy Easter Everyone + UPDATE

First off let me say Happy Easter Everyone!!! Not much has really been going on around here, just been hanging out with ClaraBug and doing school work. Clara is getting better at walking.. she took about 7 steps tonight without falling, but she only did that once :(... Anyway, I FINALLY got Jons name on the birth certificate and i am way freaking happy about that. I have applied for disability for myself, because my stupid mental illness's seem to be keeping me from having a job. It's extremely stupid, like ill be fine, my pills will work and everything, but the minute i start working its like.. the pills STOP working... I freak out, i feel sick, depressed, and VERY angry.. for no freaking good reason. It's driving me insane. Claras grandmother is doing good, she had her second round of chemo about 2 weeks ago, and is doing good. They checked her before the second round and her tumor had already shrunk 1/6 in size! Which according to her doctor is almost unheard of. She is loosing a bit of hair, but as i put it, "hey at least you dont have to spend hours styling it"... which is what my sisters need to do lol, they spend to much time doing their hair, id rather just do something quick and be done with it. Clara got some really cute dresses from her great grandmother as well as from her grandparents. She also got 2 pairs of shoes but the cute little shiny black ones dont fit... they do length wise, but.. yeah my daughter has fat feet. Clara is offically OFF formula, she is on lactose free whole milk, which according to my grandma tastes the same as regular milk? She is on a sippy cup now, so no more bottle, although i have to say im not to happy about the soft tip sippy cup she gets at naptime and bed time... im working on her taking the hard tip one all the time not just during the day. She is getting a better vocabulary every day, i have a lady come out once a month that plays developmental games with clara and teaches them to me so i can play with her, and she assessed clara and said she is way advanced. SO i'm happy about that. Nothing else really has been going on, so here are a few pics from the "photo shoot" i did the other day of Clara in one of her dresses

WEBSITE!!!

Ok, i am going to make this short and sweet... my grandma's sister paid for this program for me to learn how to make money online(y, i have no idea, she just called and told me she did it and wanted my email address) anyway.. one of the ways to make money is to make a website and sign up for a thing with ads, whenever someone clicks on the ads i get money for it. Only like $0.50 an ad, but still.. that could really add up. So if you could all find it in your hearts to go to my website and click on them that would be greatly appreciated since i cant keep a job and i dont have any other means of income... THANKS in advance to the ones that do click... click on all the ads except the one at the top.. also any feedback on what i could add to the site would be great!


www.theteenagemother.com

New Update!

Ok, so clara is doing pretty good, shes still got a stuffy nose, but im pretty sure that has to do with my dumb ass sister smoking in the car when we go somewhere with her... ANYWAY... guess what guys? Clara says sentences! I'm totally not even joking she really does... it started all the sudden too, which makes me think shes been practicing them secretly lol, anyway she says "i want some" "mommy i want some" "i want down" "that my grandma". its kinda tripping me out, i mean she already says about 17 words and now sentences!!!!! We had a fun day today, we went to the park and had a bbq with Claras grandparents... which was really fun because we all havent hung out in months. Claras grandpa immediately stole her so i just kinda watched them... lol, Clara went swinging (which she LOVES SOOOO much) she went down the slide with grandpa, and went in the sand box, and he even walked around with her, with her holding onto her hands it was cute... you can tell shes gonna end up LOVING her grandparents when she gets older(although im pretty sure she already does...) Claras grandma is doing better, she gets her second round of chemo on wednesday so i guess we will see how that goes. I have been praying that she gets through this because i would hate to lose her too, shes become like a second mom to me. Anyway... its supposed to be a blizzard here with at least 2 feet of snow and 50mph winds... its the (as my grandma calls it) equinox storm... which she says happens before the weather gets nice and stays nice.... which im all for, me and clara want to start going for walks again... but ok i hope you all had a great weekend!

So upset.

Ok, this is more of a vent then anything, i am not sure what i am supposed to do. The DNA thing went through ok, so now i am just waiting for that signed piece of paper. Well since the stupid lady at social services kept pushing me, i decided to call social security and find out what the hell all the stupid comotion was about. So i told the lady i spoke to what happened, gave her Jons SS number and she looked it all up, and i cant get anything for clara. I thought i could handle raising clara on my own without it but i cant. I barely get enough money from school and what i do get usually has to pay for bills because my dumb ass sister doesnt pay anything, plus the money i do get i only get like 2x a year.. thats not gonna last me that long... I dont know what im supposed to do. I thought about getting a job but come to the conclusion that i can't handle a job with my anxiety and bipolar. I dont know what to do and im really freaking out here. I have no financial support from anyone, I cant support my own daughter, and that kills my inside....

Update!

Ok, so i have written in a few weeks so i thought i would update you guys that actually read my blog. Anyway so... Clara is almost walking, she has started taking one step by herself here and there... yesterday she took 2 by herself! Life has been pretty boring around here lately, i havent been able to sleep like i should, so lately iv been getting about... 3-3 1/2 hours of sleep a night. I went to the doctor today and i got put on new medication, so pray that this one actually works. I got a new tattoo today, its a black lined cross with pink hearts at the end of each point. its really pretty. My brother in law went with me to get it done, and he was sitting there asking me if i was gonna cry, but actually i was doing the exact opposite, i laughted, i mean it did hurt for about a minute, and then it started tickling... i hate being tickled so it was really hard for me to sit still through it all but i got it done. We are still trying to do the DNA thing, gotta wait another 9 days before i get results back to see if we can even USE the dna, which im hoping i can or else jons wish is going down the drain. So one of my friends suggested that since im having a hard time talking with my counselor about Jon's death... that i write it down before hand, and let her read my letter. So, yeah i have an app on friday so im gonna try that. Oh yeah and i got a tv and dvd player, and i have figured out that clara likes seseme street. She also likes a few other things, but for some reason seseme street is her fav. But yeah thats all thats been goin on with me. Ill try to write again soon.

1 month anniversarys hurt....

Ok so today, was a busy day, but also a very sad day...today is the one month anniversary of Jons death. I have been keeping myself busy all day as to not give myself a chance to break down and cry. Anyway i have spent most of my day on the phone trying to figure out what i would need to get Jons name on the birth certificate. Here is what i found out. I did find a DNA testing facility. They were extremely nice, and the lady i spoke with was extremely understanding of my situation, and let me take my time while i sat there and tryed not to cry(didnt work to well) while i told her the whole story. Anyway, so the fee is $99 up front, and then they are running a sale, so it is going to be about $350 after that initial fee. Anywayz. I went and filled out my forms for the discounted lawyer today, and i have an appointment to meet with someone on thursday. I called around, and apparently AFTER i get the dna sample back with the results(lol even though i already know what they are... i just need them in legal writing), i need to go to the court house and petition(AKA beg on my knees) the court to let me get Jons name on the birth certificate. I finally got ahold of Jons mother, she was pretty upset though, because she had JUST got the death certificate in the mail today... i mean seriously what kind of state sends out the death certificate to arrive on the 1 month anniversary of a sons death... wtf. GOD Wyoming, show some damn compassion. Anyway, she appologized for not calling me back, i told her i completely understood. Anyway, she filled out all the paperwork i needed and send me a copy of the death certificate, so hopefully we can get the ball rolling tomarrow... and pray for me, that everything works out, that Clara will get everything she deserves, and that Jons name WILL get on there without any hassle. Because seriously, Clara, me and Jons parents(especially them) have been through enough.. we dont need to deal with anymore crap... but yeah thats how my day went.. and tomarrow... i have an appointment with Claras bright start nurse, and i have to go pick up claras 1 year pictures. Also i forgot to mention next week is my 19th birthday... which i prolly wont celebrate, because i guess im not important. go me!

Vday sucked!

Ok, so for the most part.. valentines day SUCKED!!!!... i found out that reading makes me sleepy, so i bought a book, well stupid me bought the cheapest book i could find which happened to be a romance book, well i got half way through it and around midnight i got to a love scene, and idk something inside me snapped and i just started bawling! and i couldnt stop... so i didnt go to sleep till like.. idk 5am, then i got up with Clara at about 8:30.. 9ish, and gave her some breakfast, then we went to a rummage sale that they had at the civic center. I got Clara like 6 heavy night time sleepers for 25 cents a piece, so i was happy about that. Well, after that i went to walmart, and i got Clara a vday card, a lace rose, some suckers, and a little stuffed vday dog. Its really cute. Other then that my vday was pretty uneventful, other then the fact that my niece got over excited and like gave my grandma the worst black eye ever by jumping up and clocking her with her head... but yeah, thats how my vday went, i hope your guys was better... happy sunday everyone

Current Ramblings....

Ok so here is basically what has happened since Claras birthday... Most of you know about my frequent/constant/never ending always there, headaches, so i finally got the courage to talk to my doctor about them.. again, so i went back to my doctor and told her about them, she said she thought it might be a sinus infection but that since it had lasted for about a month, that she wanted to a catscan... So today i got my very first cat scan... and i was TERRIFIED... i went online and looked up what the procedure was, and it sounded really scary, especially the dye the inject you with, but apparently, as i found out today, if they are doing a catscan of your upper neck or head they do not use that dye. Anyway, claras 1 year doctor app was today as well, and the doctor said she is doing very well. and that i could try whole milk, also that clara didnt have to be "fully" off the bottle till she was like 15 months! so yeah i dont feel so bad now. Clara also did pretty well with her shots too, only cried for a few seconds, and im pretty sure its because we made her lay down while they gave them to her.... but after we let her sit up again she stopped crying... imagine that.. spoiled little brat.... but i love her, but yeah ok, ill stop rambling now, wish me luck with my cat scan results, which i should have back sometime next week....

Claras First Birthday!!!

Claras first birthday was awesome. I mean it was a little stressful because my little devil nieces decided to destroy the house after we had cleaned it so we had to reclean it, but other then that it was nice, we had a lot of friends and family at the party, and clara got a lot of nice gifts including the following.... a big baby gate, a toy laptop, two furreal friends animals, clothes, a toy bus, soft blocks, lots of books, a big stuffed ladybug, bubbles, a musical aligator, and my favorite... a doll Jons parents had made for her that says "Daddy Loves Clara" in a big red heart on it, i will post pictures of it once i find my camera... and once it starts working again( i ended up having to use Jons parents camera for the party pictures cuz mine died, like with brand new batteries and everything, the flash stopped worthing.) Anyway, yeah so my little girl is now one years old. She is actually getting really good at standing up from a sitting down position without holding onto anything but no walking yet... she said byebye to a few of her guests lastnight, oh and she ate about 90% of her smash cake herself. woo hoo Go Clara. lol

bloggity blog

Sorry i have been MIA for the past week, i have been sort of out of it, with the funeral and all. Ok, so the funeral was tuesday, and i managed to only break down a few times, they had the most beautiful service, and a lot of great people were there, including a lot of really supportive friends and family, which i am very greatful for. They did a slideshow of pictures, and i can still not get over how much clara looks like Jon, like seriously, Clara is like a girl version of Jon, an exact replica. Anyway... i was ok, i bit my lip most of the service, but during the slideshow... the showed a pic of me a Jon, and i lost it, i completely broke down, luckily my cousin was holdin clara at the time and sitting right next to me. Well, i met some of Jons family at the funeral and the next day at his house(i went out there with clara the next day) like seriously the minute i walked in the house, Jons grandma took her, she obviously loves babies lol, well after she had her, Jons aunt Charlotte took her and played with her, then clara got down on their imaculant floor and played for a long time, then Jons dad took her and played with her, I like barely got to hold my baby at all the 6 hours we were out there :(, but that is ok, but they are all really nice people. Ok, so onto some drama.... So i have this list of people i invited to claras bday party... almost all adults... maybe like... 8 kids...(between the ages of 3 months-6yrs) anywayz... ok so one of the ladies i invited emailed me and asked if i invited this certain other person, i responded, with a yes, and asked if that mattered, she told me yes, and that if this person came that she would not come, i told her that it was very childish, that it was claras first birthday party, well.. it took her a few days to respond, and you know what this stupid bitch said to me when she finally did respond... she told me that the only reason i was having this party for clara, was because i was trying to get sympathy and pity for clara... I was like stupid bitch her father just died.... she DESERVES sympathy... needless to say, we are not friends anymore and she is not coming to the party... thank god. But yeah, just had to vent out all my anger to you guys. I have all my stuff for the party minus the cake, chips and pop, oh and the stupid tape. I have all the decorations, and the goodie bags as well as claras clothes and such. So. yeah just thought i would update you all.... Happy first day of February Everybody!!!

Psyciatric Diagnosis & A Confession

So, i went to my new psyciatrist today, he seemed really nice and friendly. I spent about the first 20 min of the session filling him in all the details about my messed up family. Then i spent 10 min telling me about all the damn medication i have been on. Then we talked... it was nice, he asked questions, and for once, i felt like i wasnt crazy(my old head doc always gave me weird looks). So, yeah here is the diagnosis, I am bipolar, i asked what kind, but he said, that would have to be pinpointed at a later time. I have severe depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. Those weird face things iv been telling you all about.. yeah apparently that can be a symptom of bipolar; I have had those weird face things since i was at least 11, so does that mean iv been bipolar since i was 11? Anyway... i have a confession to make, I lied to you all, when you asked if i was ok, i said i was... i lied. I'm NOT ok, i'm dying inside, mostly from anger, mostly from guilt. I feel like its my fault Jon died, I feel that if, i had just told him how much i loved him, that maybe he would have stayed in SD, I am also feeling extreme guilt because this past week i have been so emotionally and mentally off, that i havent spent much time with clara... and she doesnt deserve that... I cryed a few tears tonight, so i'm hoping thats a start. Oh and i got a call from the SS office today, apparently since the father of my daughter is deceased i have to go through a lawyer to get his name on her birth certificate. I called the only paternity lawyer i could find in the phone book, and he is supposed to call me back. I called a few other family law lawyers but they charge $200/hr. I'm starting to think just going to a DNA center here in town would be cheaper(around $600). I have no idea what to do, i'm out of money, out of luck, and so very upset.... i'm not sure what to do anymore.

I cant let it go...

Ok, so the day i found out Jon passed I cryed for about 7 hours strait.. no letting up then passed out from exaustion... anyway... i am still extremely upset... i was in denial for a while, but now... i found a news article about the accident, and it just seems soo... real to me now... and im having a horrible time letting out my emotions.... like im about to explode but i cant cry... iv tryed... i think its cuz im trying sooo hard to stay strong for clara, that they just wont come... if any of you have any tips on how to let out emotion that would be great... also thank you for all the well wishes. I talked to his mother today, and she said that the funeral would be on Tuesday, she said he was cremated yesterday and was already on his way back home... but that it would take a few days to get back here... sorry if you dont agree with me, but i think shipping human remains through the mail is so damn disrespectful... i mean hello that used to be a human being! Anyway, they did the DNA sample, and it is waiting for me at the Wyoming hospital. But yeah i found a news article about the accident, and i am very confused... I was told a few things, 1. that he was going 70 mph, 2. he died on the scene. 3. the car rolled 4 times... ok this news article contradicts all of that, it says he was going 90 mph, that he died in the hospital, and that his car only rolled 2 times..... I am going to call his mother tomarrow and try to get somethings straitened out... because i am very confused... oh and now i am all worried.. because if he WAS going 90mph... doesnt that seem.. kinda suicidal to you... That is what has me sooo damn worried..... but yeah ok im done ranting.

He's gone... Jons gone.. Forever....

I am writing this to inform those of you who i have not talked to in a while, that i am officially a single mother... great u say.. NOT great... we got a phone call tonight around 11pm saying that jon had got into a car accident on his way home... he didnt make it... they said he was going to fast while he was making the turn to get onto the interstate and rolled the car......that he wasnt wearing a seat belt..... idk what to do, im loosing it, like really loosing it, clara is going to grow up without a father now... and i have no idea what to do.. i'm extremely upset... i mean yeah i got mad at him sometimes, but i still loved him... and the worst part about it is, is the thing he told his mom about me the day he left was that i hated him.. though i never said that, but still... he probably died thinking i hated him.... how the hell am i supposed to cope with that... please i need some help here... please guys please....

11 months old

Hey guys, just wanted to write my first blog of the new year(2009!!!). Everything is pretty good, except i'm pretty sure i have a sinus infection? I have never had one before, but i was extremely miserable, and decided to look up the symptoms. Apparently I have every single one... yikes. So.. yeah i am going to the doctors tomarrow in hopes that they give me SOMETHING to ease my sufferings, because the past 3 days i have been so miserable i havent spent much time playing with Clara. Other then that, Clara is getting her third tooth, its already cut through, now i just have to wait for it to come down. Clara is 11 months old today!!! I can't believe that 11 months have already passed since her beautiful birth. I am so excited for her birthday, I have already started planning the party. We are going to have a big party here at home with about 30-35 guests. I have already bought all the decorations, except the cups.. and I have already bought her a few gifts... so now all i need to do is order the cake, buy the chips and buy the soda. Yes.. i know, its still early but i freak out when things arent planned ahead of time. But yeah, hope you guys had a great weekend!