Venting tuesday

Ok, so i got some of my money and I paid Kandra back the money i owed her. I put $100 aside for bills(my rent) and then i went and bought some monthly necessities. So... the reason i am kinda pissed off is because of Jon, he was supposed to come over here to see his daughter but never fucking does. He always thinks up some lame excuse like "i dont have gas to come see you"(when his mother gave him gas money just to come see us) or"i'm gonna hang out with some friends for a while"(his DRUGGIE friends) so you know what fuck him, i'm filing child support on his ass and he can fucking pay me $125(1/5 of his income... i guess thats what child support is in sd) every month. Yeah like to see how thats gonna pan out. So.... yeah i bought all my monthly necessities plus Claras.... and i still have money left. I am not used to having this money left thing. I am used to buying clara everything she needs and having nothing left thing. It is all so new to me. lol. So yeah... i'll rant more later.

Another Boring Monday

So.. today was pretty uneventful. I got up, played with clara, and after about an our or so of playing with her, we went out to eat at red lobster(all you can eat shrimp yay!!), after that we came here, and just kinda chilled for a little bit. Clara took a nap, and i finished up with my school work for the day. I found out that my b.i.l.'s sister Jenny is being induced tomarrow at 6am. I hope everything goes ok for her, poor jenny seems so miserable. Anywayz.... so i decided that i am going to start taking a vitamin everyday. See if that helps my health. I have been feeling kinda tired and achey the past few days. We took some things back to walmart that i had boughten but clara never used so i got some money back for that, and i bought jenny a cute little take me home outfit. I would buy stuff for clara... but as you all know from one of my previous posts that i get sort of anel when clara doesn't have like 10 of everything.(seriously right now i have 2 boxes of diapers, 11 boxes of wipes, and idk like 10cans of baby formula, 3 baby washes, 2 lotions, 2 desitins and 2 tylenols.) I was gonna buy her a halloween costume but i am still deciding on what to do about that. I kind of wanna have her be this adorable little lamb..... but then part of me wants her to be a cute little pumpkin... decisions decisions. Anyway so yeah.... thats pretty much how my monday went.

PS: claras gums are getting rock hard, and she was running a fever earlier, i hope its just teething and not a bug.

God will provide

ok so i am trying this new thing that when i feel depressed or scared or nervous about something i have to think to myself "God will provide". It has been working so far, and i have faith that this little saying will help me get through some tough times ahead. I am not sure what religion you all are, but i am christian and proud of it. Just wanted to state that to every one, ok i'm going to bed now, write more another day.

Fun day!

Ok, so the other day was a pretty fun day. I went into the basement and found my nieces old walker. You may say walkers are bad, or that since it was used i shouldn't use it. Well i say you are wrong. Clara fits it perfectly and LOVES LOVES LOVES it. After i spent 20 minutes cleaning it off, i put shoes on her and took her outside to walk in it. She was so excited, she loved being able to move around. and i wasnt worried about it tipping over because it has some sort of guard on it, so it cant flip over. Anyway so we played outside for about 2 hours. In that time, Claras godmother Emi(emili) decided to show up to say hi, and gave Clara a candy apple sucker(the green sucker with the carmel on top). She LOVED that, more then the walker. It was so funny, she sucked on it, and gummed it. She almost ate it all too, but i took it away to wipe off her hand and i dropped it... woops. Other then that, I have found that my wish has come true and that I will not have to work this year while I am in school. Which is totally awesome! I am so excited. In 4 years I am going to have a degree, a real college degree, and i am going to do stuff that i like to do. I will get a good job and I will be able to support Clara by myself, without a husband. Go me!!!!!

The requested post about Jon.

Ok here we go... Jon is Claras dad. I met him last march through my cousin. Her friend Cory was friends with him. Ok, so we started dating, but like the entire time we were dating all he wanted to do was make out. Well prom rolled around and the entire time(i kid you not) we were at prom he was asking me if i wanted to have sex with him... which made my only prom experience so not fun. Anyway.... we ended up doing the deed and in may i ended up got pregnant. It seemed a little funny to me because I bought condoms so i assumed he was using them, but most the time we did it, we were both stoned out of our freaking minds. So... anyway i ended up pregnant,took a test which he insisted i took. So ok i was pregnant, and as all of you know pregnant people sleep a lot and are crabby. Well i knew i wanted to keep Clara from the beginning so i didnt wanna use drugs and i didnt want him using drugs anymore. He hated that and said he was gonna break up with me because he didnt want me controlling him. So we broke up, i spoke to him maybe.... 2 times the rest of the pregnancy. When i had clara he called and the first thing he said was "oh you had the kid" no congrats, no nothing and he called HIS daughter kid, which totally annoyed me. Anyway.... so we tried going back out in may of this year but things didnt work out. It was going pretty good, but he like wanted to have sex all the time, and i didnt. Also he fessed up and admited he was smoking weed again. So.. we broke up. Now he sees Clara about 2 times a week or so and his parents buy Clara diapers and stuff, just recently his parents bought me diapers out of Jons money(which is a first) and Jon even gave me $50 for child support(another first). He gave me like $10 one time for Clara, but went and bought a $70 video game the same day, and that REALLY pissed me off. I have given up everything for Clara, i gave up my friends, my religion, like $7000 of MY money, and don't get me wrong i would so do it all over again, because Clara means more to me then anyone else in the world but idk, it just doesnt seem fair that he doesn't have to have any responsibility. He didn't loose any friends, he doesn't have to take care of her when she is sick, he doesn't have to do anything. I mean God, she is 7 months old and he hasnt even changed a single diaper yet. So... yeah ok this concludes my post about Jon.

Random Post

Ok so, i thought i would write a post today to tell everyone what i did. I didn't really do much at all today actually. I got some child support from Jon(gasp!) and so i went and bought Clara 4 outfits and 4 pairs of socks with it. I bought a red, black and silver striped shirt with matching pants, a black silver and pink shirt with matching black pants, a sweat suit that is purplish pinkish. and a pair of jeans with this way cool lady bug shirt that blinks, its way cool. Her daddy also bought her one of those stackable toys that you see everywhere. Oh, and i brought up the play pen from downstairs. It is bigger then normal play pens and Clara loves it because we have it set up in the living room so she can be around the other kids. We also brought up the toy ride on horse. That thing is about 24 years old. It was my oldest sisters when she was a baby, and it just kinda kept getting passed down. She liked it though so that was cool. Anyway me and Jon have decided that we wanna be friends for right now dispite his constant attempt to kiss me.... so as friends, we made a pizza earlier and played life. Which i totally beat him at haha. Oh and Clara says dada now. and she said it today while Jon was here. It was so funny, you guys should have seen his face light up when he heard her say it. So now she says... mamma, dadda, nanna, lalla(idk y) and bobba. Shes been saying bobba ALOT lately. She also has been having less of an appetite, maybe a growth spurt? Anyway i'm done rambling now. Talk to everyone soon!!!

Baby Supplies

Just thought i would write a blog on my baby supplies; not sure why. I just wanted to. Anyway..... Clara has. 12-cans of formula 2-big boxes of baby food(one for fruit one for veggies) 12-4oz bottles of juice. 3- drawers full of diapers, plus two unopened boxes. 6- packages of wipes(one package is equal to one box) 2-things of baby tylenol 2-things of baby wash On top of all this.... she has her nice crib, her exersaucer, her swing(well actually two swings but we never used one) her stroller, her car seat, her mountain of toys that somehow seems to be getting bigger...... mmmmm maybe its the toy trolls? and her dresser is full of clothes. Oh and i got some baby spoons at walmart, they come in a pack of 5 spoons 5 forks for $1, but i dont use the forks i just gave them to my nieces, but they are freaking awesome, cant believe i spent $4 for 4 of her other ones. And on top of that she has like 12 bottles, but for some reason only 7 nipples for the bottles... bottle trolls..... but yeah i would say i have one spoiled baby. hehe

NEW MEDS

ok so i went to the doctor the other day(almost didn't get in because i am not aloud to be over 5 minutes late, and i was 15 minutes late) but luckily(THANK GOD) the person whose app was after me never showed. SO..... anyway i talked to my head doc about all the stuff that's been going on lately. The anger issues, the concentration issues, the weird head thing and the racing thoughts. She kinda gave me a funny look when i told her about the weird head thing.... But she looked through some things on her computer and prescribed me Symyax. It is a mix between a mood stabilizer(anti psychotic) and an anti depressant. I looked up all the stuff online and i guess it is supposed to help with all that stuff. It is supposed to help improve my mood, help me sleep,he;p me concentrate, and decrease nervousness. The side effects aren't bad either(like most pills) the "bothersome" side effects are, increased appetite, weight gain, drowsiness, and dry mouth, all of which i want(except the dry mouth hehe) So... yeah its a pretty low dose, i even had to wait a whole day for my drug store to fill them because they didn't carry that specific dose. I guess we will see how it works. I took my first pill tonight. I am still on my Effexor for depression though. I am sooo hoping this pill works, so um if yall could do me a favor and tell me if you notice any positive changes in me. I tend to have a hard time recognising this stuff myself so yeah... ok well update more about my life later after i have had sleep.

Stupid Bitch

Ok so... this post is about my sister... you know the one i complained about before. Y you ask, because she said something to me that made me cry for 2 hours strait! It all started when she was supposed to take me to the store to get baby food for Clara and WIC. Well she screwed around all freaking day, and when it came time for me to go to the store... yeah didn't happen. So i bitched because she promised me. Well she started in on how i never watch Clara... which i do just not when i am doing school work. So i told her, that Donald her husband, never watches her daughter, all he does is sit on his lazy butt all day. Well then she said something about having a job, and then called me a bad mother! A fucking bad mother! Excuse me, i am not the one at the bars at all hours of the night getting wasted while my sick grandma watches my daughter AND I PUT MY DAUGHTER FIRST before my needs. I have gone without pads for a week(using just tampons) so Clara would have water for her formula. Well by this time, i'm like yelling at her because she called me a horrible mother, and she said that I shouldn't even have Clara, that Clara doesn't need a crazy mother and that i should be locked up in a phyco hospital. She also said that Clara should get taken away. Which totally just pissed me off, but it made me extremely upset so.. yeah i cried for 2 hours. But comeone... you cant blame me, if someone said that to you, you would get upset too. So after the 2 hours of unstoppable crying, I called my cousin, told her what happened, which totally made her and my aunt and uncle very angry. My aunt told me over her and my uncles dead body that Clara would get taken away from me, my cousin wanted to beat her butt, and told me shes just mad because she knows i'm right... so yeah thats the conclusion of my day. I did get to go to the store though. my cousin and her fiance took me, so i could get babyfood, and water, a sippy cup for clara, ohh and i did finally get pads for myself. So.. yeah I am a good mother fuck her. I put my daughter first... and she knows that! She is just fucking jealous that I am doing something with my life(college) and that I didn't marry a dead beat man that calls himself a dad. But ok i'm done venting now, i feel better

So.. its 4am.

And i can't sleep. I went to bed at 9 and woke up at 11 so i got like 2 hours of sleep. Anywayz... Clara's cold seems to have gotten better. Her snot is now clear, and not yellowish. She still coughs but i think that is from the snot running down her throat.... as that can irritate your throat. I got some school work done today so that is good. Other then that it has been a pretty slow day around here. Me and clara just pretty much hung out all day, i introduced her to blocks and attempted to teach her how to knock them down.... i don't think she has caught on yet though. I can't believe Clara is almost 7 months... it seems unreal to me. It seems like she was just born yesterday... but of course i love her more now then i did then so... yeah. I seem to be extra extra tired lately for some odd reason and i have no idea why. I would go to the doctors but i am not really worried. I'm really excited though because for the next ten days it is supposed to be fairly cool. The high for the week is 75 degrees F. and thats next tuesday! Other then that its supposed to be in the sixties and seventies all week!!! I am so excited for fall.. because fall means holidays... like Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas... God I am so excited for christmas, I get to be a santa this year! But anyway i should try to rest now, so when i have to get up in 3 hours to feed Clara, i don't end up getting baby cereal in her eye. Talk more later!

I deleted some friends....

Ok so today i deleted some friends out of my life. I deleted them from my myspace, from my messanger list and from my life. I was sick and tired of the emotional abuse they were causing me and i could not take it anymore. I do not deserve that. I am sitting here crying right now because im in a lot of emotional pain... but i know its for the better. These people were just making me depressed and i do not need that. Clara does not need a mother that is depressed because of these stupid fucking people so they were deleted. Just so you know, none of you that are reading this blog were deleted.