Happy New Year!!!

hey guys, just wanted to wish you a happy new year, i'm spending the night at home(of course) stuffing my face with goodies, and spending time with clara... i plan on having her take a semi long nap later today so she can stay up with me... cuz new years eve rocks!. I hope you all are well, and that you enjoy the last day of 2008. I look forward to 2009!(hopefully it will be an even better year then 2008!!!)

Christmas

So christmas was pretty good considering the fact that clara was sick.... she had high fevers off and on the day before but the day of christmas eve it spiked up to 104..... but anyway... before that we went to church, and i could tell clara wasnt feeling the best because she just sat on my lap and cuddled with me... and she NEVER does that. Anyway after we came back from church we waiting for an hour or so for claras father to show up so he could watch her open presents... yeah never happened, so we opened them and she was sooo happy, it was so cute to watch the expressions on her face. Anyway around 1am we took her to the ER cuz i had given her tylenol and motrin and her fever hadnt gone down at all... they checked her over and said that it could be a virus but most likely teething because her fever kept going up and down, up and down instead of staying up. Anyway... christmas day, well we had a pretty uneventful morning, clara wasnt really interested in her presents but she did open them. Around 3pm we went out to jons parents house and my god they got her a shit ton of stuff.... she got 10 outfits, a walker, a steering wheel thingy, and a rocking horse that neighs, and its head moves.... Anyway her grandpa put her to sleep, and we ate... then me and Sherry(jons mom) got to watch jon change his first poopy diaper... without my help this time... poor clara she looks sooo scared and screamed the entire time. But he did it, not a very good job, and it took him forever but he finally managed to change it without my help. I thought it was freaking hilarious... i really should have recorded it. Anyway.... we had Ham, and potatos, for dinner.... oh i forgot to mention, jons parents got me gifts.... i have no idea why, but it was a nice gesture. Anyway, thats pretty much how my christmas went, I found out that tylenol does nothing for claras fevers anymore, and that childrens motrin is the exact same dose as infant motrin.... the only difference is that infant motrin comes with a dropper(which i got from my pharmacy for free hehehe). But yeah ok im done ranting now, ill leave u all be.

Depressed and Venting

Ok this is more of a vent then anything, i am feeling really really depressed right now. I have no friends, and the people i thought were my friends hate me.... yeah im sitting here crying over them, trying to tell myself that they are worth crying over but i can't help it. They were my best friends.... and now they aren't. I know life brings change, but i dont understand how someone can go from being your best friend to someone who completely despises you. It makes me so depressed to think about all the friends i used to have... and how now they are all gone. I seriously just wanna curl up in a little ball and cry my eyes out but clara wont take a nap so i cant do that right now. If you are my friend please post a response to this.

Things That I Am Thankful For.

Ok, so this has been bugging me for a while now so i decided to write a blog about it, so that i may go back to this blog and read it when i am feeling down. I have a problem, i have insane feelings of jealousy towards certain people, mostly people with children like myself..... i know that there is nothing i can do to get rid of this jealousy but i figure that if i make a list of things that i am grateful for, then i can possibly go back and reread all the things im thankful for.... ok so here it goes..
1. I am thankful that i am able to spend so much time with my daughter, that i dont have to work her first few years of life.
2. I am thankful that i dont have to go to a busy college, and that i can stay home with my daughter and take care of her.
3. I am thankful for the fact that my daughter always has food to eat, and water to drink.
4. I am thankful that my daughter has a clean room and a nice big crib to play in.
5. I am thankful that i am able to provide a good christmas for my daughter.
6. I am thankful that i have loving family that will do anything for me(even though i hate them sometimes)
7. I am thankful that my daughter was born well and healthy without any major defects or health problems.
8. I am thankful that I live in a house and have my own bedroom.
9. I am thankful that I have friends that care about me.
10. I am thankful that I am now smart enough to realize that drugs are stupid.
11. I am thankful that I have food and water to sustain myself so that i may take care of my daughter.
12. I am thankful that I still have my baby boy Star(my cat) left.. after the terrible trageties that happened to his mother and sister.
13. I am thankful for my 2 sisters, i hate them sometimes but deep down i love them.
14. I am thankful for my camera, without it i would loose my most precious memories.
15. I am thankful for my own bed, so that i can sleep comfortably and not sleep on a couch.
16. I am thankful for the fact that despite i was born 15wks premature, i still survived.
17. I am thankful for my grandma, that she is well enough to help me out with clara.
18. I am thankful for the fact that my daughter is at, if not above her develpment.
19. I am thankful for the fact that Claras grandparents buy claras diapers... without them i would be soo in debt.lol
20. I am thankful that my daughters first word was mamma, that she knows who i am, and that she prefers me over anyone else.

ok i so could add more but im having a brain spaz so i cant... ill add more later when i have time to think. Thanks for listening.

16 days till christmas

OMG u guys im so excited for claras first christmas!!! She is getting tons of toys, and i have no idea what my sisters bought her, so she will have even more toys. The plan is that we are going to church on christmas evening, and then we are going to have a nice quiet evening at home singing christmas carols and listening to christmas music. Then the next morning is when all the fun will begin, we get to open presents!!! I don't care that i'm not getting anything, i'm more excited for clara, God... I cant wait to see the look on her face when she opens all her presents!!! But yeah anyway just wanted to share my excitement with you all. Going to go cut out christmas cookies right now. Peace!!!

Irritated

Ok, so i told jon that unless he started paying more attention to clara and less attention to me that i could not be with him and he got like really really pissed off, started yelling at me, told me he hated me and all that junk... but on a happier note i started planning claras birthday party :), im going to invite like 30 people, and its gonna be like way fun :) I have booked the party room, i still have yet to buy her presents and order the cake, but i think ill wait a month to do both. But ya just needed to vent to someone,

ps: i get this week off school, then go to school for a wk, then get 2 wks off for christmas vacation!!!

Vent

Today has been so fucked up i dont even know where to start, the only good thing about today is the fact that i got mcdonalds for breakfast. Today was supposed to be the day Clara, Jon and me got professional pics taken, but no, thanks to his stupid ass it didnt happen. I want melissa to move back in here cuz as of thursday she will have no place to live, and i'm not one to let one of my friends live out on the street with her 1 year old daughter. My grandma of course is bitching about it stating that she has to pay $200 up front, but melissa can not do that. She is just mad because Karen, (my sister who doesnt take care of my daughter) hasnt paid her rent yet, so all the bills are all backed up. I seriously just want to move out but i have no idea how i am going to do that. Sorry to vent, i'm just really really depressed right now.

So... i'm depressed

I am kinda depressed lately. I realized that i barely have friends, the bills aren't getting paid due to my stupid sister not paying her rent. Jon isn't paying me back the money he owes me and my car is deader then a door nail so i cant go anywhere. I was supposed to go to a moms night out tomarrow but the lady that was supposed to take me canceled on me at the last minute, and i really needed to get out of the house ya know.... but yeah so i think i have a problem, well two problems actually, one is a buying problem, like i can not go to the store without buying something, i need to get help but i am not sure who to call or what to ask. I also have a problem with being attached to people, like not everyone, just certain people that have come into my life, i have become insanely attached to. I don't know why i do this either. I need help but again, not sure how to ask for it, or what to say. I need help... in more ways then 1..... thanks for letting me vent.

37 days till christmas

yes if u cant tell from my title, i am counting down the days till christmas, i am soooo freaking excited, i so cant wait to see the look on claras face when she opens her presents! So, yeah my friend melissa moved out, she is staying with a friend now. Which kinda saddens me, it was cool having a friend there for me, ya know, anyway clara has decided that she wants to try standing unassisted, she will stand up on something, and then let go for a few seconds. shes getting pretty good at it, she can stand for 5 seconds before she falls down. I think she has a bug cuz this mornin she puked all over my floor, i didnt know what to do so i just cuddled her and rubbed her back, then i wiped her off and cuddled her some more. I also went and got her some pedialyte just in case she pukes again. But... yeah thats pretty much the highlight of my day, other then the fact that i found out my "A" dropped to a "B" in one of my classes, but i have a 100% in the other class so i guess im ok, write more soon,

kalsy

Monday Letter

Ok, so things have been going pretty well the past few days, except today. Today like seriously sucked, first of all i couldnt find my wallet(i left it in my BIL's car) then i had to reschedule my app with my car insurence person and then on top of it all my cousin told me that i needed to watch my kid more.... i watch her 24/7 and cant get a 5 minute break once in a while. *rolls eyes* anyway so me and melissa are going to set up a photo shoot tomarrow and attempt to take professional pictures. Oh and i think i have OCD, I thought it was bipolar(still might be) but i think its OCD too, like i have horrible compulsive tendencies. Like today i just rearanged my entire room.... again. I also have a horrible compulsive buying habit. I can not go to the store without buying something, i'm sorry i just cant help it. but ok i'm ranting so i'll let u guys go back to your purposefull lives. Just thought i'd let you guys know what was going on up in SD

ps: Halloween was awesome!!!

ok, so melissa and keona arrived here yesterday morning. I got up at 6:30 in order to meet them when their bus got there at 7:50. We then went to walmart and ran into my friend barbara. Barbara is the friend that only gets to be with her daughter 2 days a week. Anyway, barbara and melissa havent seen each other in over a year and barbara acted like she didnt even care, which kinda pissed me off, but oh well. Anyway so i made dinner last night and it was way good. Keona and Clara played alot yesterday, They get along good together but keona is a little rough since she is older(1 year old). So, we just had a lazy day today, nothing really special going on, we are going to carve pumpkins later though, so... yeah ok well im done ranting about my day, Have a great weekend guys!

Messed up

Ok, now everything is getting messed up. My friend may not be here till the end of the week if things keep going the way they are going. Her man was supposed to send her money but like all the money places are closed. This so doesnt help like at all. Plus on top of that Jon went and got drunk and i'm really freaking pissed off at him. Clara is being a crabby but today and i havent spent much time with her because i have been with jon, or cleaning. I am just in a majorly pissed off mood right now and i am not sure how to deal with it.

Thursday Letter

Ok, so Jon gave me his old car, which had a new transmission, and basically new everything put in last year. I just got to get insurence, and get the license and registration stuff taken care of. We are almost all done cleaning the basement. We just gotta lug some boxes of unwanted stuff upstairs to take to the dump. I also still hafta sweep and mop the floors. So.. yeah today Jon bought me roses, which i thought was sweet, but i dont think a thing of roses is going to win me back. Jon is officially caught up with his child support payments ($100 a month yay). I bought clara a new carseat, and i bought even more wipes, so now i have..... 19 things of wipes? 3 drawers + 2 boxes of diapers, and yeah lots of other stuff. I tried my new tea(sugar cookie sleigh ride) and it is sooooooo goooooood. Clara crawls and is now learning that standing up is funner. lol, so yeah well thats all for now, miss clara is waking up. Have a great weekend guys.

Yay i get to play hostess!!!

Yay so in about a week my friend originally from SD is gonna come back and stay with me a while. Her and her daughter. She lived in AZ with her mom but her mom went all crazy on her, and so she moved to CA with her dad but her dad is a jerk, so shes coming back to SD. she will get her own place, but her BF(also lives in SD right now), is in pine ridge working construction so he will be down there for a few weeks. So, i am going to fix up the basement so her and her daughter can stay down there. She will have her own bathroom and seeing as though all her stuff got left in AZ she doesnt have a whole lot of stuff to bring with her to take up space. I'm glad i can help her out though, i feel so bad for her, i mean i may not have alot but i at least have a home and supportive family. So... its gonna be cool to have a friend to hang out with again. I mean, her daughter is 4 months older then clara, so clara will have a playmate. So... yeah thats cool. i'm way excited wish me luck on my cleaning project tomarrow!!!

Boring Saturday

Ok, so here is my saturday post. I didn't really do much today, i rearanged my room again so that clara actually has a place to crawl around now. I also went shopping, i got a candle and some new tea called "sugar cookie sleigh ride" which i am excited to try. I also got clara a new sippy cup in hopes that she starts liking it. So.... yeah last night i went and hung out with my friend B, i havent hung out with this girl in over a year so i was WAY excited. We went to the new target and went shopping, i got clara some new headbands, and a different sippy cup. It was cool, but i kinda feel bad for my friend, she only gets to spend 2 days a week with her daughter. The rest of the time she is working or at school. Thats gotta suck!!!! But anywayz.... i can cam now so if any of u wanna cam with me, u know how to get a hold of me, and ask. Much love to you all.


Kalsy&Clara

UPDATE

Ok so here is an update on the past two weeks. The reason i have not been on was because my stupid desk top computer that i bought only a year ago crashed or died, or whatever you wanna call it. So.... i had to wait for money to get a new one. Jon has come by a few times but only stays for a few minutes each time which i think is major BS. Clara is pulling herself up to stand now, like seriously she just started doing it one day. I came back from the bathroom and she was standing up in her crib, she fell and then stood up again, i was in total awe, that is until i realized shes getting two teeth on the bottom. They are so cute, they are just peaking through her gums but u can see the indent of them in her gums. So i stocked up on baby teething tabs, orejel and tylenol oh and teething rings. I also went christmas shopping. I bought clara 1 BIG toy and 4 smaller toys. I got her a learning table that teaches colors, numbers, the alphabet and something else? I also got her a "cell phone" since she LOVES to play with mine, i got her a hard book that teaches her similar things as the table does, and i got her this shape sorter thingy. I also got her something else but for the life of me i can not remember what the heck it is. One thing i realized is you should turn the stupid toy off before u wrap them.... i was done wrapping them and they started talking. I was like OMG SHHHHHHH. I also got my nieces things too, just because i would rather see their happy faces then get something myself. I got them each a BIG doll and a thing that teaches, shapes, alphabet, colors and numbers. So.. yeah thats pretty much how my week went, I also got a new cellphone that is prepaid but has unlimited text on it. I also went to a new store and got a pair of jeans.... size 9 but i guess they are too small so i gotta take them back and get a size 13(hopefully THOSE will fit) I also got some new shirts for me seeing as how i never buy anything for myself and it feels good to be wearing new clothes. but ok i'm done ranting now. Comment please!

Venting tuesday

Ok, so i got some of my money and I paid Kandra back the money i owed her. I put $100 aside for bills(my rent) and then i went and bought some monthly necessities. So... the reason i am kinda pissed off is because of Jon, he was supposed to come over here to see his daughter but never fucking does. He always thinks up some lame excuse like "i dont have gas to come see you"(when his mother gave him gas money just to come see us) or"i'm gonna hang out with some friends for a while"(his DRUGGIE friends) so you know what fuck him, i'm filing child support on his ass and he can fucking pay me $125(1/5 of his income... i guess thats what child support is in sd) every month. Yeah like to see how thats gonna pan out. So.... yeah i bought all my monthly necessities plus Claras.... and i still have money left. I am not used to having this money left thing. I am used to buying clara everything she needs and having nothing left thing. It is all so new to me. lol. So yeah... i'll rant more later.

Another Boring Monday

So.. today was pretty uneventful. I got up, played with clara, and after about an our or so of playing with her, we went out to eat at red lobster(all you can eat shrimp yay!!), after that we came here, and just kinda chilled for a little bit. Clara took a nap, and i finished up with my school work for the day. I found out that my b.i.l.'s sister Jenny is being induced tomarrow at 6am. I hope everything goes ok for her, poor jenny seems so miserable. Anywayz.... so i decided that i am going to start taking a vitamin everyday. See if that helps my health. I have been feeling kinda tired and achey the past few days. We took some things back to walmart that i had boughten but clara never used so i got some money back for that, and i bought jenny a cute little take me home outfit. I would buy stuff for clara... but as you all know from one of my previous posts that i get sort of anel when clara doesn't have like 10 of everything.(seriously right now i have 2 boxes of diapers, 11 boxes of wipes, and idk like 10cans of baby formula, 3 baby washes, 2 lotions, 2 desitins and 2 tylenols.) I was gonna buy her a halloween costume but i am still deciding on what to do about that. I kind of wanna have her be this adorable little lamb..... but then part of me wants her to be a cute little pumpkin... decisions decisions. Anyway so yeah.... thats pretty much how my monday went.

PS: claras gums are getting rock hard, and she was running a fever earlier, i hope its just teething and not a bug.

God will provide

ok so i am trying this new thing that when i feel depressed or scared or nervous about something i have to think to myself "God will provide". It has been working so far, and i have faith that this little saying will help me get through some tough times ahead. I am not sure what religion you all are, but i am christian and proud of it. Just wanted to state that to every one, ok i'm going to bed now, write more another day.

Fun day!

Ok, so the other day was a pretty fun day. I went into the basement and found my nieces old walker. You may say walkers are bad, or that since it was used i shouldn't use it. Well i say you are wrong. Clara fits it perfectly and LOVES LOVES LOVES it. After i spent 20 minutes cleaning it off, i put shoes on her and took her outside to walk in it. She was so excited, she loved being able to move around. and i wasnt worried about it tipping over because it has some sort of guard on it, so it cant flip over. Anyway so we played outside for about 2 hours. In that time, Claras godmother Emi(emili) decided to show up to say hi, and gave Clara a candy apple sucker(the green sucker with the carmel on top). She LOVED that, more then the walker. It was so funny, she sucked on it, and gummed it. She almost ate it all too, but i took it away to wipe off her hand and i dropped it... woops. Other then that, I have found that my wish has come true and that I will not have to work this year while I am in school. Which is totally awesome! I am so excited. In 4 years I am going to have a degree, a real college degree, and i am going to do stuff that i like to do. I will get a good job and I will be able to support Clara by myself, without a husband. Go me!!!!!

The requested post about Jon.

Ok here we go... Jon is Claras dad. I met him last march through my cousin. Her friend Cory was friends with him. Ok, so we started dating, but like the entire time we were dating all he wanted to do was make out. Well prom rolled around and the entire time(i kid you not) we were at prom he was asking me if i wanted to have sex with him... which made my only prom experience so not fun. Anyway.... we ended up doing the deed and in may i ended up got pregnant. It seemed a little funny to me because I bought condoms so i assumed he was using them, but most the time we did it, we were both stoned out of our freaking minds. So... anyway i ended up pregnant,took a test which he insisted i took. So ok i was pregnant, and as all of you know pregnant people sleep a lot and are crabby. Well i knew i wanted to keep Clara from the beginning so i didnt wanna use drugs and i didnt want him using drugs anymore. He hated that and said he was gonna break up with me because he didnt want me controlling him. So we broke up, i spoke to him maybe.... 2 times the rest of the pregnancy. When i had clara he called and the first thing he said was "oh you had the kid" no congrats, no nothing and he called HIS daughter kid, which totally annoyed me. Anyway.... so we tried going back out in may of this year but things didnt work out. It was going pretty good, but he like wanted to have sex all the time, and i didnt. Also he fessed up and admited he was smoking weed again. So.. we broke up. Now he sees Clara about 2 times a week or so and his parents buy Clara diapers and stuff, just recently his parents bought me diapers out of Jons money(which is a first) and Jon even gave me $50 for child support(another first). He gave me like $10 one time for Clara, but went and bought a $70 video game the same day, and that REALLY pissed me off. I have given up everything for Clara, i gave up my friends, my religion, like $7000 of MY money, and don't get me wrong i would so do it all over again, because Clara means more to me then anyone else in the world but idk, it just doesnt seem fair that he doesn't have to have any responsibility. He didn't loose any friends, he doesn't have to take care of her when she is sick, he doesn't have to do anything. I mean God, she is 7 months old and he hasnt even changed a single diaper yet. So... yeah ok this concludes my post about Jon.

Random Post

Ok so, i thought i would write a post today to tell everyone what i did. I didn't really do much at all today actually. I got some child support from Jon(gasp!) and so i went and bought Clara 4 outfits and 4 pairs of socks with it. I bought a red, black and silver striped shirt with matching pants, a black silver and pink shirt with matching black pants, a sweat suit that is purplish pinkish. and a pair of jeans with this way cool lady bug shirt that blinks, its way cool. Her daddy also bought her one of those stackable toys that you see everywhere. Oh, and i brought up the play pen from downstairs. It is bigger then normal play pens and Clara loves it because we have it set up in the living room so she can be around the other kids. We also brought up the toy ride on horse. That thing is about 24 years old. It was my oldest sisters when she was a baby, and it just kinda kept getting passed down. She liked it though so that was cool. Anyway me and Jon have decided that we wanna be friends for right now dispite his constant attempt to kiss me.... so as friends, we made a pizza earlier and played life. Which i totally beat him at haha. Oh and Clara says dada now. and she said it today while Jon was here. It was so funny, you guys should have seen his face light up when he heard her say it. So now she says... mamma, dadda, nanna, lalla(idk y) and bobba. Shes been saying bobba ALOT lately. She also has been having less of an appetite, maybe a growth spurt? Anyway i'm done rambling now. Talk to everyone soon!!!

Baby Supplies

Just thought i would write a blog on my baby supplies; not sure why. I just wanted to. Anyway..... Clara has. 12-cans of formula 2-big boxes of baby food(one for fruit one for veggies) 12-4oz bottles of juice. 3- drawers full of diapers, plus two unopened boxes. 6- packages of wipes(one package is equal to one box) 2-things of baby tylenol 2-things of baby wash On top of all this.... she has her nice crib, her exersaucer, her swing(well actually two swings but we never used one) her stroller, her car seat, her mountain of toys that somehow seems to be getting bigger...... mmmmm maybe its the toy trolls? and her dresser is full of clothes. Oh and i got some baby spoons at walmart, they come in a pack of 5 spoons 5 forks for $1, but i dont use the forks i just gave them to my nieces, but they are freaking awesome, cant believe i spent $4 for 4 of her other ones. And on top of that she has like 12 bottles, but for some reason only 7 nipples for the bottles... bottle trolls..... but yeah i would say i have one spoiled baby. hehe

NEW MEDS

ok so i went to the doctor the other day(almost didn't get in because i am not aloud to be over 5 minutes late, and i was 15 minutes late) but luckily(THANK GOD) the person whose app was after me never showed. SO..... anyway i talked to my head doc about all the stuff that's been going on lately. The anger issues, the concentration issues, the weird head thing and the racing thoughts. She kinda gave me a funny look when i told her about the weird head thing.... But she looked through some things on her computer and prescribed me Symyax. It is a mix between a mood stabilizer(anti psychotic) and an anti depressant. I looked up all the stuff online and i guess it is supposed to help with all that stuff. It is supposed to help improve my mood, help me sleep,he;p me concentrate, and decrease nervousness. The side effects aren't bad either(like most pills) the "bothersome" side effects are, increased appetite, weight gain, drowsiness, and dry mouth, all of which i want(except the dry mouth hehe) So... yeah its a pretty low dose, i even had to wait a whole day for my drug store to fill them because they didn't carry that specific dose. I guess we will see how it works. I took my first pill tonight. I am still on my Effexor for depression though. I am sooo hoping this pill works, so um if yall could do me a favor and tell me if you notice any positive changes in me. I tend to have a hard time recognising this stuff myself so yeah... ok well update more about my life later after i have had sleep.

Stupid Bitch

Ok so... this post is about my sister... you know the one i complained about before. Y you ask, because she said something to me that made me cry for 2 hours strait! It all started when she was supposed to take me to the store to get baby food for Clara and WIC. Well she screwed around all freaking day, and when it came time for me to go to the store... yeah didn't happen. So i bitched because she promised me. Well she started in on how i never watch Clara... which i do just not when i am doing school work. So i told her, that Donald her husband, never watches her daughter, all he does is sit on his lazy butt all day. Well then she said something about having a job, and then called me a bad mother! A fucking bad mother! Excuse me, i am not the one at the bars at all hours of the night getting wasted while my sick grandma watches my daughter AND I PUT MY DAUGHTER FIRST before my needs. I have gone without pads for a week(using just tampons) so Clara would have water for her formula. Well by this time, i'm like yelling at her because she called me a horrible mother, and she said that I shouldn't even have Clara, that Clara doesn't need a crazy mother and that i should be locked up in a phyco hospital. She also said that Clara should get taken away. Which totally just pissed me off, but it made me extremely upset so.. yeah i cried for 2 hours. But comeone... you cant blame me, if someone said that to you, you would get upset too. So after the 2 hours of unstoppable crying, I called my cousin, told her what happened, which totally made her and my aunt and uncle very angry. My aunt told me over her and my uncles dead body that Clara would get taken away from me, my cousin wanted to beat her butt, and told me shes just mad because she knows i'm right... so yeah thats the conclusion of my day. I did get to go to the store though. my cousin and her fiance took me, so i could get babyfood, and water, a sippy cup for clara, ohh and i did finally get pads for myself. So.. yeah I am a good mother fuck her. I put my daughter first... and she knows that! She is just fucking jealous that I am doing something with my life(college) and that I didn't marry a dead beat man that calls himself a dad. But ok i'm done venting now, i feel better

So.. its 4am.

And i can't sleep. I went to bed at 9 and woke up at 11 so i got like 2 hours of sleep. Anywayz... Clara's cold seems to have gotten better. Her snot is now clear, and not yellowish. She still coughs but i think that is from the snot running down her throat.... as that can irritate your throat. I got some school work done today so that is good. Other then that it has been a pretty slow day around here. Me and clara just pretty much hung out all day, i introduced her to blocks and attempted to teach her how to knock them down.... i don't think she has caught on yet though. I can't believe Clara is almost 7 months... it seems unreal to me. It seems like she was just born yesterday... but of course i love her more now then i did then so... yeah. I seem to be extra extra tired lately for some odd reason and i have no idea why. I would go to the doctors but i am not really worried. I'm really excited though because for the next ten days it is supposed to be fairly cool. The high for the week is 75 degrees F. and thats next tuesday! Other then that its supposed to be in the sixties and seventies all week!!! I am so excited for fall.. because fall means holidays... like Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas... God I am so excited for christmas, I get to be a santa this year! But anyway i should try to rest now, so when i have to get up in 3 hours to feed Clara, i don't end up getting baby cereal in her eye. Talk more later!

I deleted some friends....

Ok so today i deleted some friends out of my life. I deleted them from my myspace, from my messanger list and from my life. I was sick and tired of the emotional abuse they were causing me and i could not take it anymore. I do not deserve that. I am sitting here crying right now because im in a lot of emotional pain... but i know its for the better. These people were just making me depressed and i do not need that. Clara does not need a mother that is depressed because of these stupid fucking people so they were deleted. Just so you know, none of you that are reading this blog were deleted.

My love

A MOTHERS LOVE

A mothers love is forgiving. It does not hold grudges.
A mothers love is kind, and never judgemental.
A mothers love is ever growing..... there can never be too much.
A mothers love is never gone, it will forever be in the hearts of her children.
A mothers love is hopeful, that the future brings her children happiness.
A mothers love is strong, no one in the entire world can break it.
A mothers love is un-descriptive, there are never words to tell how it is felt.
A mothers love is irriplaceable, it can not be replaced by all the friends in the world.
A mothers love is worthy, of the children that helped create it.
A mothers love is something that all mothers share in common.
A mothers love is something that can never be changed, it remains the same even after a million years.

I love my daughter. I can not explain to anyone my love for her. It is not descriptive. It is the strongest feeling I have ever felt and gets stronger with each passing day. I love my daughter to death. I would do anything for her, ANYTHING. I hate to think of the poor person that tries to harm her.... they will be eternally sorry. I love to look into her eyes and see the happiness and joy that I helped create. I love to hear her "talk" and laugh. I even love to hear her cry, it means she has feelings, it means she is growing more intelligent with each breath she takes. I love knowing that someday I will be able to teach her everything I know and be able to give her the things i hold dear to my heart. I know one day she will look back on this and think it is pretty corny, I think so myself but she will know how much i love her and that is what counts.

My scary dream!!!

Ok so i just had to post this, i had one scary dream last night, it may not seem that scary but i woke up terrified. Ok so like me and my cousin were at our old elementary school that for some reason the playground had turned into a water park. ok so me and clara were playing around in the water and stuff when i had to go to the bathroom, I put clara back into her stroller, having my cousin watch her and went inside the school to go to the bathroom, well when i came back out, my cousin was off playing in the water and clara was gone from her stroller, i asked her where clara was and she had no idea. I started freaking out, where was my baby? would i ever see her again? This was one of those dreams where you feel all the emotions too so i actually felt fear.... anyway.... so i looked and looked and looked but i couldn't find her.... then all the sudden off in the distance i saw some little kids huddled around something that was crawling on the ground, and it was clara, so i ran over there and picked her up and cuddled her, all the while i'm crying my eyes out. I woke up and my heart was racing sooo freaking fast! I am not sure why I had that dream but it totally freaked me out.... just thought i would post it.

just me rambling on.

ok so this is kinda just gonna be my rambling about certain stuff but read on and you may learn something. So today started out good, me and clara woke up and we ate breakfast, played a bit and then we took a short nap... very short actually because my stupid sister and her daughter came over here. So she bitched and moaned about how she was sick and how she needed help with gabby. I wouldn't have a problem with that if gabby wasnt a two year old little terror that actually listened! Well that and the fact that whenever I am sick I am MADE to watch my daughter, i don't get any help because then she(my sister) bitches. Any hoo, SO i got really angry earlier because my nieces had the new kittens wrapped up in blankets so tight i dont even think the poor kittens could breath, so i told them to loosen the blankets or let the kittens go on the ground. Well neither of them would listen, so i told them if they were gonna disobey me they were going in timeout. well they both walked off like i wasnt even there so i grabbed both their arms and put their butts in timeout. Well gabby finished her time out(shes 2 so she gets 2 minutes) but lexi... OMG she just started whining and kicking and screaming the entire time so i told her her time out didnt start until she stopped throwing a fit, well her mom(my other sister) was on the phone and said she could have the kitten and do whatever she wanted to with it AND that she didnt need to be in timeout. Which totally pissed me off, i'm an animal lover and i don't think she should be almost killing those poor little kittens. My sister always complains that her daughter doesn't listen, and she wonders y... i mean hello if you arent gonna make a kid listen they arent gonna listen EVER. Anyway so i went in my room and finally(took for freaking ever) finished my 800 word essay. People say an 800 word essay is easy, trust me its not, you start running out of facts and things to say. After that me and clara played for a bit and i found out something that made her laugh, i blow a rasberry on her tummy and say boo in a high pitched voice... i love her laugh its sooo cute. I love to see her smile, i just love everything about her, i even love it when shes fussing and everything because i know im usually the only one that can calm her down. Which brings me to another subject. I think there is something wrong with me, because i have like this overwhelming fear, like im dealthy afraid of loosing my daughter. I seriously spent half of lastnight holding her in my lap(even though she sleeps with me, i still picked her up in my arms) and just bawled my eyes out. I don't know wtf came over me... i just became overwhelmed with fear and this isn't the first time this has happened. It has happened before. So I am gonna talk to my head doctor about it and see if this is normal or if i can get a pill for it. On a happier note did yall know Walmarts brand(parents choice) makes babyfood? It's like $0.60 cheaper and it has 10% more in it, plus 10% more potassium. So.. yeah for fruits i'm gonna be buying that brand instead of gerber.. that is until i learn to make my own. Well ok i'm done ranting for now.

Almost crawling

So.. yeah clara is almost crawling. She crawled a whole foot the other day but i cant get her to do it again. Now she just keeps rocking back and forth on all fours. Its so cute to watch. She has just started stage two foods and she seems to be doing pretty good with them. I am doing pretty good myself. I manually lowered my dose of celexa down to 10mg and im still on 37.5mg of effexor. I think they were over medicating me. haha. But.. yeah i have been in school for almost an entire month. isnt that crazy? Also.. clara will be 7 months old next week! That is even crazier! But... ill stop boring you all now!!!! Write more later!!!