Current Ramblings....

Ok so here is basically what has happened since Claras birthday... Most of you know about my frequent/constant/never ending always there, headaches, so i finally got the courage to talk to my doctor about them.. again, so i went back to my doctor and told her about them, she said she thought it might be a sinus infection but that since it had lasted for about a month, that she wanted to a catscan... So today i got my very first cat scan... and i was TERRIFIED... i went online and looked up what the procedure was, and it sounded really scary, especially the dye the inject you with, but apparently, as i found out today, if they are doing a catscan of your upper neck or head they do not use that dye. Anyway, claras 1 year doctor app was today as well, and the doctor said she is doing very well. and that i could try whole milk, also that clara didnt have to be "fully" off the bottle till she was like 15 months! so yeah i dont feel so bad now. Clara also did pretty well with her shots too, only cried for a few seconds, and im pretty sure its because we made her lay down while they gave them to her.... but after we let her sit up again she stopped crying... imagine that.. spoiled little brat.... but i love her, but yeah ok, ill stop rambling now, wish me luck with my cat scan results, which i should have back sometime next week....

Claras First Birthday!!!

Claras first birthday was awesome. I mean it was a little stressful because my little devil nieces decided to destroy the house after we had cleaned it so we had to reclean it, but other then that it was nice, we had a lot of friends and family at the party, and clara got a lot of nice gifts including the following.... a big baby gate, a toy laptop, two furreal friends animals, clothes, a toy bus, soft blocks, lots of books, a big stuffed ladybug, bubbles, a musical aligator, and my favorite... a doll Jons parents had made for her that says "Daddy Loves Clara" in a big red heart on it, i will post pictures of it once i find my camera... and once it starts working again( i ended up having to use Jons parents camera for the party pictures cuz mine died, like with brand new batteries and everything, the flash stopped worthing.) Anyway, yeah so my little girl is now one years old. She is actually getting really good at standing up from a sitting down position without holding onto anything but no walking yet... she said byebye to a few of her guests lastnight, oh and she ate about 90% of her smash cake herself. woo hoo Go Clara. lol

bloggity blog

Sorry i have been MIA for the past week, i have been sort of out of it, with the funeral and all. Ok, so the funeral was tuesday, and i managed to only break down a few times, they had the most beautiful service, and a lot of great people were there, including a lot of really supportive friends and family, which i am very greatful for. They did a slideshow of pictures, and i can still not get over how much clara looks like Jon, like seriously, Clara is like a girl version of Jon, an exact replica. Anyway... i was ok, i bit my lip most of the service, but during the slideshow... the showed a pic of me a Jon, and i lost it, i completely broke down, luckily my cousin was holdin clara at the time and sitting right next to me. Well, i met some of Jons family at the funeral and the next day at his house(i went out there with clara the next day) like seriously the minute i walked in the house, Jons grandma took her, she obviously loves babies lol, well after she had her, Jons aunt Charlotte took her and played with her, then clara got down on their imaculant floor and played for a long time, then Jons dad took her and played with her, I like barely got to hold my baby at all the 6 hours we were out there :(, but that is ok, but they are all really nice people. Ok, so onto some drama.... So i have this list of people i invited to claras bday party... almost all adults... maybe like... 8 kids...(between the ages of 3 months-6yrs) anywayz... ok so one of the ladies i invited emailed me and asked if i invited this certain other person, i responded, with a yes, and asked if that mattered, she told me yes, and that if this person came that she would not come, i told her that it was very childish, that it was claras first birthday party, well.. it took her a few days to respond, and you know what this stupid bitch said to me when she finally did respond... she told me that the only reason i was having this party for clara, was because i was trying to get sympathy and pity for clara... I was like stupid bitch her father just died.... she DESERVES sympathy... needless to say, we are not friends anymore and she is not coming to the party... thank god. But yeah, just had to vent out all my anger to you guys. I have all my stuff for the party minus the cake, chips and pop, oh and the stupid tape. I have all the decorations, and the goodie bags as well as claras clothes and such. So. yeah just thought i would update you all.... Happy first day of February Everybody!!!

Psyciatric Diagnosis & A Confession

So, i went to my new psyciatrist today, he seemed really nice and friendly. I spent about the first 20 min of the session filling him in all the details about my messed up family. Then i spent 10 min telling me about all the damn medication i have been on. Then we talked... it was nice, he asked questions, and for once, i felt like i wasnt crazy(my old head doc always gave me weird looks). So, yeah here is the diagnosis, I am bipolar, i asked what kind, but he said, that would have to be pinpointed at a later time. I have severe depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. Those weird face things iv been telling you all about.. yeah apparently that can be a symptom of bipolar; I have had those weird face things since i was at least 11, so does that mean iv been bipolar since i was 11? Anyway... i have a confession to make, I lied to you all, when you asked if i was ok, i said i was... i lied. I'm NOT ok, i'm dying inside, mostly from anger, mostly from guilt. I feel like its my fault Jon died, I feel that if, i had just told him how much i loved him, that maybe he would have stayed in SD, I am also feeling extreme guilt because this past week i have been so emotionally and mentally off, that i havent spent much time with clara... and she doesnt deserve that... I cryed a few tears tonight, so i'm hoping thats a start. Oh and i got a call from the SS office today, apparently since the father of my daughter is deceased i have to go through a lawyer to get his name on her birth certificate. I called the only paternity lawyer i could find in the phone book, and he is supposed to call me back. I called a few other family law lawyers but they charge $200/hr. I'm starting to think just going to a DNA center here in town would be cheaper(around $600). I have no idea what to do, i'm out of money, out of luck, and so very upset.... i'm not sure what to do anymore.

I cant let it go...

Ok, so the day i found out Jon passed I cryed for about 7 hours strait.. no letting up then passed out from exaustion... anyway... i am still extremely upset... i was in denial for a while, but now... i found a news article about the accident, and it just seems soo... real to me now... and im having a horrible time letting out my emotions.... like im about to explode but i cant cry... iv tryed... i think its cuz im trying sooo hard to stay strong for clara, that they just wont come... if any of you have any tips on how to let out emotion that would be great... also thank you for all the well wishes. I talked to his mother today, and she said that the funeral would be on Tuesday, she said he was cremated yesterday and was already on his way back home... but that it would take a few days to get back here... sorry if you dont agree with me, but i think shipping human remains through the mail is so damn disrespectful... i mean hello that used to be a human being! Anyway, they did the DNA sample, and it is waiting for me at the Wyoming hospital. But yeah i found a news article about the accident, and i am very confused... I was told a few things, 1. that he was going 70 mph, 2. he died on the scene. 3. the car rolled 4 times... ok this news article contradicts all of that, it says he was going 90 mph, that he died in the hospital, and that his car only rolled 2 times..... I am going to call his mother tomarrow and try to get somethings straitened out... because i am very confused... oh and now i am all worried.. because if he WAS going 90mph... doesnt that seem.. kinda suicidal to you... That is what has me sooo damn worried..... but yeah ok im done ranting.

He's gone... Jons gone.. Forever....

I am writing this to inform those of you who i have not talked to in a while, that i am officially a single mother... great u say.. NOT great... we got a phone call tonight around 11pm saying that jon had got into a car accident on his way home... he didnt make it... they said he was going to fast while he was making the turn to get onto the interstate and rolled the car......that he wasnt wearing a seat belt..... idk what to do, im loosing it, like really loosing it, clara is going to grow up without a father now... and i have no idea what to do.. i'm extremely upset... i mean yeah i got mad at him sometimes, but i still loved him... and the worst part about it is, is the thing he told his mom about me the day he left was that i hated him.. though i never said that, but still... he probably died thinking i hated him.... how the hell am i supposed to cope with that... please i need some help here... please guys please....

11 months old

Hey guys, just wanted to write my first blog of the new year(2009!!!). Everything is pretty good, except i'm pretty sure i have a sinus infection? I have never had one before, but i was extremely miserable, and decided to look up the symptoms. Apparently I have every single one... yikes. So.. yeah i am going to the doctors tomarrow in hopes that they give me SOMETHING to ease my sufferings, because the past 3 days i have been so miserable i havent spent much time playing with Clara. Other then that, Clara is getting her third tooth, its already cut through, now i just have to wait for it to come down. Clara is 11 months old today!!! I can't believe that 11 months have already passed since her beautiful birth. I am so excited for her birthday, I have already started planning the party. We are going to have a big party here at home with about 30-35 guests. I have already bought all the decorations, except the cups.. and I have already bought her a few gifts... so now all i need to do is order the cake, buy the chips and buy the soda. Yes.. i know, its still early but i freak out when things arent planned ahead of time. But yeah, hope you guys had a great weekend!